There are few things as difficult as
being in-between. Give me pain that makes me want to end my very life, or give
me pleasure that I never wish to end. But don’t give me that state of being
neither here nor there, too weak to find any peace and contentment, too
strong to give it all up.
Give me black, or give me white, but
spare me the gray. It is one thing to be sick, another to be well, and yet
another to be unable to tell the difference. It was somewhere in the 1990’s, I
think, when people started saying “Meh”. It’s that sense of being numb and
unimpressed. They tell me it defines a whole generation.
I suspect it goes far deeper than
that, to the very core of the human condition. We surely all know the feeling,
and it is about being so lost as to no longer care. The difference will be that
some of us will be brave enough to admit it to ourselves, or perhaps even to
others.
For many years, I assumed that the
vast majority of people I knew were perfectly happy, and only a few pathetic
losers were miserable. I thought this because most people looked content, and
just a handful looked sad.
Well, I figured, there must be
something deeply wrong with me. I both look and feel sad all of the time. It is
not a sadness that will kill me, even as it is a sadness that makes me frown.
It wears away at me without actually biting at me.
A very wise man once set me
straight. He suggested I look deeper. See how that couple always smile and hold
hands? Now watch them when they think no one is looking. See that successful
fellow over there, the talk of the town? Now observe him when he is out of the
spotlight.
No, he suggested, only a very few
people are genuinely happy in this life, and only a very few people are in complete
despair. All the rest are winging it, going through the motions, pretending for
others that their lives are perfect, and then going home to face their numbness
in solitude.
“So wait, my malaise doesn’t make me
a freak?”
“Well, other things about you may well
make you a freak, but it isn’t your malaise. You share that with nine out of
the ten people you meet. You’re just not as clever at playing the game.”
Still, in one sense it seems even
worse than being without any hopes or prospects at all. Take everything I love
away, and I might find the courage to bear it. Leave everything indifferent,
and I am screaming inside. There is no up, no down, just a vast expanse of
flatlands.
The clock is ticking, the television
is on, and the microwave tells me that my dinner is ready. I don’t like it one
bit.
Written in 4/2011
I couldn't help but notice a few days back that you were lamenting a change in policy at Facebook, something about not allowing links in Facebook posts, which you say will decrease traffic here. I would like to let you know that I read this site 3-5 times a week, and I found your work through Google. However, know that the Stoic groups at Facebook have sometimes tens of thousands of members, so despite drawbacks, the medium is here to stay for the interim. I would like to thank you for maintaining a great site with valuable resources available to your readers. Again, thank you!
ReplyDeleteApologies if it appeared as a lament. I should have said that it is rather a perfect example of our own ability to learn acceptance.
DeleteLet corporations do their things, and let us do our own things! The sadness was not about the loss of traffic here, but about the years of lost posts and comments that had been deleted.
Yes, Facebook has many Stoic groups, with very many followers, but this blog sadly never found many readers by that route. Pigliucci, Roberston, or Holiday have their thing, and it is simply different than what is offered here.
Thank you so very much for reading along. It means quite a bit to know that someone else listens!