“. . . I will be agreeable with my
friends, gentle and mild to my foes. I will grant pardon before I am asked for
it, and will meet the wishes of honorable men half way.
“I will bear in mind that the world is
my native city, that its governors are the gods, and that they stand above and
around me, criticizing whatever I do or say.
“Whenever either Nature demands my
breath again, or reason bids me to dismiss it, I will quit this life, calling
all to witness that I have loved a good conscience, and good pursuits, and that
no one's freedom, my own least of all, has been impaired through me.”
He who sets up these as the rules of
his life will soar aloft and strive to make his way to the gods: in truth, even
if he fails, he fails in a high endeavor. . . .
—Seneca
the Younger, On the happy life,
Chapter 20 (tr Stewart)
Think of
how many times we have all heard that phrase, or used it ourselves: “Well, I’m
a good person. Or at least I try to be.” In and of itself, it seems a perfectly
decent thing to say. I have often wondered, however, what we all really mean
when we say it.
For as
long as I can remember, others have told me that I must be kind, caring, nice,
respectful, or agreeable. As the admittedly sort of annoying fellow who has
always asked “why?” as long as he could speak, I was regularly told that this
was simply the proper and acceptable thing to do. “Be nice” becomes something
we say quite often, but we don’t always reflect upon it. It also saddens me to
see that we don’t even do it nearly as often as we might think.
I always
feel like a terrible curmudgeon when I ask that “why?” question, though I do it
not because I want people to be horrible to one another, but because I am
looking for something to give us a good reason to love one another, something
that will help us stay the course whenever difficulty may arise. For myself, I
know I have struggled between being seen as good in order to get what I want
from others, and being good to others regardless of how it is seen.
I often
distinguish between two different senses of being “agreeable”, and it boils
down to a very real difference between abuse and respect. I intend no
exaggeration, but I do believe that if I act toward others with the profit of
my own circumstances in mind, treating them as a means to my end, then I am a
player, a manipulator, and yes, even an abuser. If I act toward others with
their own good in mind, treating them as ends in themselves, then I may
actually be practicing genuine respect.
Though I
am, of course, only playing within the context of the English word, there is a
contrast between being agreeable so that others will agree with me, and being
agreeable because I am agreeing with Nature.
To be a
good person, I must understand that my fellows are made just like me, sharing the
same purpose, and worthy of the same dignity. I won’t always come across as
likeable when I desire their happiness, but I should always seek what is good
for them, however that may change my own selfish utility.
Accordingly,
there is no “us” versus “them” in the order of Nature. There is only “all of us”.
Whether we choose to accept it or not, we are all here in the service of
Nature, and of the Divine that orders Nature.
To
remember my mortality, memento mori,
is a wonderful aid in this endeavor, because it isn’t all about me, but about
how I, as one part, can help to serve the whole, the fulfillment of all the
parts. I will end when Nature calls me back, or when my conscience tells me it
is right to give myself for another. I have begun to expect no other reward
beyond having run the race as best I can.
Written in 10/2016
Image: The Buddha calms the enraged elephant Nalagiri with his kindness and compassion.
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