Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.21

If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change.

For I seek the truth by which no man was ever injured. But he is injured who abides in his error and ignorance.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 6 (tr Long)

I spent a number of years teaching at a school that described itself as being based on both Catholic and Liberal Arts principles.  I believed in both of these principles. I committed myself to them with all of my heart and soul.

Yet the Vice President for Ministry abused young women. The Director of Campus Ministry, a married man, had affairs with students. Both are men deeply respected in the community. I didn’t want to believe any of it, until I saw it for myself. I saw for myself a priest run his hands over a young lady’s private bits. I also saw for myself a small and petty man making out with one of my students on the hood of his car. The administration, time and time again, ignored the facts, covered for the offenders, and cast aside the victims.

Surely, they were all good Catholics?

There was a horrible moment for me, when I realized I had been wrong. I had supported this institution, through thick and thin, even as they had never actually supported me. I made excuses for them, and I made excuses for myself. I wasted years of my life thinking wrong was right, and I am ashamed that I ever could have been so foolish as to do so.

Whenever I brought any of this up with my colleagues, I was told that the risk of scandal against the Church mattered far more than any of my petty concerns. 

And then I grew up. No more. There is no shame in admitting that I was wrong. There is only shame in not making right of what I had done wrong.

I believe that the Catholic Church, as it currently stands, is the most corrupt institution I have ever known. I say that from having worked for them for over thirty years. I also believe the Catholic Faith is one of the greatest paths to righteousness and happiness. Go figure.

I have learned to allow other people to take their own paths. I have also learned that I must follow my own conscience, informed by the Divine, and I must never resist admitting my own errors.

To all those young ladies who told me about abuses, I apologize. I was wrong not to do more at the time. No one stood up for you.

To all those young people in general, who suffered from being treated like tools and being personally manipulated by a cultist Campus Ministry, I apologize. I was wrong not to do more at the time. No one stood up for you.

To anyone I dismissed, because I thought the Church could do no wrong, I apologize. You were right. I was wrong. No one stood up for you.

There’s a deeply humbling moment when a man realizes he has messed things up far more than he can say. A good man then turns things around, and he changes himself, and he changes his own thought and actions.

Redemption will never come from being excused by all of those fancy authorities that take my money in exchange for their glorious blessings.

Redemption will only come from fixing myself, and ordering my life to God as He would have it, not as I would have it.

Written in 12/2016