About
what am I now employing my own soul?
On
every occasion, I must ask myself this question, and inquire, what I now have
in this part of me that they call the ruling principle?
And
whose soul do I have now? That of a child, or of a young man, or of a feeble
woman, or of a tyrant, or of a domestic animal, or of a wild beast?
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 5 (tr Long)
When we
are asked to identify ourselves, we will usually respond by explaining our
careers, our honors, or our friends. We may add where we came from, the
importance of our position right now, and the places we would like to be in the
future.
Yet these
things are about our relationships with externals, with qualities and
dispositions that are in themselves completely indifferent. Even when we speak
of our attitudes, or our goals and dreams, we are still referring them to what
will happen to us, not the bare measure of simply what we are thinking and
doing. There is a world of difference between saying that “I will work honestly
to get a promotion” and saying simply that “I will be honest.”
The
questions of “who am I?” or “what am I doing?” are quite regularly deflected.
It is as if the self is nothing more than a consequence of everything else
around me. The Stoics regularly spoke of the soul or the mind, that power of
reason by which I may judge and decide, as the ruling principle. Yet as soon as
my soul is defined by what happens to me, and not by my action, it is no longer
a ruling principle, but a principle of being ruled.
I knew a
fellow who explained to me that his entire life had been planned around a
carefully designed professional path. He would start by making a name for
himself in private law practice, and then find a job working in government,
preferably in a way that made him appear as a selfless public servant.
From
there, he had two options, either getting appointed as a judge, or winning
election to public office. It would finish off with sitting on a corporate board
of directors, or becoming a university president. Everything else, his
education, his home, his friends, and his family, was all a part of this plan.
He was quite proud to explain the details. I could only bring myself to smile
and nod, though I sensed he wanted me to congratulate him.
By all
means, get elected to public office, or become an airline pilot, or serve ice
cream. We may have gifts or preferences for any number of roles or occupations,
but all of this is incidental to our primary task of being human. The question
I should always ask myself is how I am making something of my own character,
not how I am making something of myself in the eyes of others.
What is it
that is truly within me? Whatever the circumstances I may find myself in, how
am I choosing to live? How am I distinguishing true from false, and right from
wrong? Will I try to be a good man, whether they make me a king or throw me out
into the street?
“But I
want to be the king, and not get thrown into the street!” That would indeed be
more pleasant, but as soon as I make that my goal, I have surrendered my ruling
principle. I have made the excellence of my actions subservient to the
desirability of my conditions.
Strip
away all the trappings, and look at what is underneath the social cosmetics. Am
I a good man, striving to be understanding, compassionate and fair, committed
to pursuing what is right, always maintaining discipline over myself? Or am I
close-minded, heartless and selfish, a coward and a deceiver, ruled by my
desires?
What
kind of man am I living like within my soul? Or perhaps I am not even living
the life of a man, but that of a beast?
“Who am
I?” No more and no less than how much I am willing to put anything and
everything on the line, right here and now, to rule myself with virtue.
Written in 4/2006
IMAGE: Bartholomeus von Bassen, The Parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus (c. 1620)
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