. . . Hasten, therefore, in order that,
while thus perfecting yourself for my benefit, you may not have earned
perfection for the benefit of another.
To be sure, I am already deriving some
profit by imagining that we two shall be of one mind, and that whatever portion
of my strength has yielded to age will return to me from your strength,
although there is not so very much difference in our ages. But yet I wish to
rejoice in the accomplished fact.
We feel a joy over those whom we love,
even when separated from them, but such a joy is light and fleeting; the sight
of a man, and his presence, and communion with him, afford something of living
pleasure; this is true, at any rate, if one not only sees the man one desires,
but the sort of man one desires. . . .
—Seneca
the Younger, Moral Letters to Lucilius 35,
tr Gummere
It is
hardly selfish to say that I must make myself good for my sake. It is only then
that I can be good for others. I can
only give of myself if I already possess myself.
I have
long been an admirer of the great Hindu epic, the Mahabharata. The Pandava prince, Yudhishthira, is a great man, but
he has a fatal flaw. He is addicted to gambling, and even worse, he cannot
gamble well. The rival Kauravas lure him into a game of dice, in which he loses
all his possessions, and even gambles away himself. In one last attempt to win
everything back, he wagers his wife, Draupadi. She immediately asks him how he
could offer her when he had already lost himself.
Likewise,
to be of one mind with another first requires the mastery of one’s own mind.
Such a sharing of minds is far more than just mutual affection, interests, or
utility, but a commitment to a second self. It is through this commitment that
friends strengthen one another, for a burden shared is a burden that is halved,
and a joy shared is joy that is doubled. In aiming and preparing for
friendship, Seneca and Lucilius are already helping one another. The vitality
of youth enlivens Seneca, and the wisdom of age informs Lucilius.
I am
often surprised, and saddened, to see so many people engaging in what they
believe to be friendship, but not sharing fully of themselves. To be of one
mind does not allow for secrets, deceptions, or manipulations. We wonder why so
many marriages fail, but it is largely because we do not begin them as true
friends.
The
contentment that comes from friendship cannot be a mere passing thing, and this
is because we do not choose any person as a friend, but a certain type of
person. It is not appearance, or charm, or position that should draw us, but
the presence of character that should inspire us. I can be a friend with any
good man, and with no wicked man.
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