Never say of anything, 'I lost it', but
say, 'I gave it back'. Has your child died? It was given back. Has your wife
died? She was given back. Has your estate been taken from you? Was not this
also given back?
But you say, 'He who took it from me is
wicked'. What does it matter to you through whom the Giver asked it back? As
long as He gives it you, take care of it, but not as your own; treat it as
passers-by treat an inn.
—Epictetus,
The Handbook, Chapter 11 (tr
Matheson)
I
remember those early years of the 1980’s, when anything touched by Michael Jackson
seemed to turn into gold. The first single off of Thriller was a pleasant duet with Paul McCartney called “The Girl
is Mine”, and I recall thinking one day, after I had heard it on the radio for
the umpteenth time, that this was an odd phrase. How could anyone really
“belong” to anyone else anyway? Isn’t this the sort of thinking that can get us
into quite a bit of trouble? I would occasionally think the same thing about
other love songs that used that other cliché phrase, “I need you.”
The catchiness of harmless pop songs aside, we do often take such ideas quite
seriously. We think we own things, people, or situations, and then in our need
for them, are devastated at their loss. The irony is that when I say I own
something, I too readily define myself by what I say is mine. I come to depend
upon what I possess in order to be myself. I am now hardly the owner, but I am
the one owned through my need.
I
understand this all too well, because I painted myself into that corner, both
personally and professionally. Only a bit of Stoic clarity, to take that Stoic
Turn, is needed to avoid so much loss and grief.
Consider
that I can never lose what was not mine to begin with. Consider also that the
only thing I can really call mine is myself. Put these two principles together,
and we have the Stoic solution to loss.
We often
think that we balance ourselves precariously between happiness and misery by
frantically trying to keep control over the things we think are ours: our
friends, family, reputation, career, wealth, amusements, or influence. Yet none
of those things ever belonged to us, or were a part of us. Their comings and
goings usually have little to do with us.
They
most certainly do not define us, or fulfill us. Only what I think, choose, or
do is fully my own. All the externals we crave will come and go, and then we
grieve. All the internals we neglect can never be lost, and we would be happy
if we only depended upon what is truly our own.
This
hardly means we do not love others, or give ourselves fully to them. It is our
own love we own, not those we love. I need never bemoan the changing state of
the world around me, of all the things Nature lent me, because I still possess
the good I chose to do. It is in this sense that you can never defeat the
Stoic. He owns only himself, and borrows everything else.
Written in 12/2011
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