Sickness is a hindrance to the body,
but not to the will, unless the will consent.
Lameness is a hindrance to the leg, but
not to the will.
Say this to yourself at each event that
happens, for you shall find that though it hinders something else it will not
hinder you.
—Epictectus,
The Handbook 9 (tr Matheson)
One of
the greatest obstacles to my living in a Stoic manner has been how I have gone
about experiencing pain. I have faced levels of pain, especially the emotional
pain of the Black Dog, which I have sometimes thought to be unbearable. I then
wonder what I might be doing wrong, and how I’m missing that special trick to
turn off the switch.
Speaking
for myself, I have never found the switch, and that’s because I don’t think
there is one. If I somehow managed to turn off my body, my memories, and my
passions, I would certainly no longer feel pleasure or pain, but I would also
no longer be human.
Attempts
to ignore or numb pain will not remove it, but will simply encourage it to
fester.
Nor have
I ever known brute force to destroy suffering, as it always seems to cause
more, whether in myself or in others.
I
believe my mistake has, in typical Stoic fashion, been one of estimation. My
assumption was often that pain must define me, but implicit here was also the
assumption that I am only a creature of passion.
I began
to understand that while pain is indeed a hindrance, and sometimes mightily so,
to my body or to my feelings, it need not be a hindrance to my judgment or to
my choices.
The
question isn’t whether pain is a hindrance, but rather of what it hinders. If I
can remember that who I am is far more than someone determined by feelings and
appearances, then I can also learn that I must not let myself be ruled by
feelings and appearances.
This
isn’t just a matter of casting away unpleasant feelings, as that would be
another form of denial. Rather, as with all circumstances that are in and of
themselves indifferent, but depend for their value on how we make use of them,
suffering can become a means for living well. I can mold and transform it if I
do not let it define who I am.
This is
true of pleasure just as much as it is of pain, and of any other circumstance
that we will come across in our lives. Something may hurt or be pleasing, it
may be convenient or inconvenient, difficult or easy, and whatever good comes from
it will only arise from our willingness to rule ourselves.
That
power to order my own thoughts and choices is not itself a burden or a
hindrance, but the realization of liberty. When I have followed Epictetus’
advice to remember that I am the only hindrance to myself, I have also managed
my greatest moments of peace and contentment.
Written
in 12/2011
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