With respect to character or soul
one should expect that it be habituated to self-control and justice, and in a
word, naturally disposed to virtue.
These qualities should be present
in both man and wife. For without sympathy of mind and character between
husband and wife, what marriage can be good, what partnership advantageous? How
could two human beings who are base have sympathy of spirit one with the other?
Or how could one that is good be in harmony with one that is bad?
No more than a crooked piece of
wood could be fitted to a straight one, or two crooked ones be put together.
For the crooked one will not fit another crooked one, and much less the
opposite, a crooked with a straight one. So a wicked man is not friendly to a
wicked one, nor does he agree with him, and much less with a good man.
What
makes a person beautiful? Why should I ever wish to be close to anyone? For
what reason, far more deeply, might I want to offer all of myself to another human
being, all of my body and all of my soul?
I will follow
Aristotle on this point, that true friendship is built upon the sharing of character,
not upon any conditions of convenience.
Do I
claim to love you because you are gratifying, or because you amuse me, or because
you make me cry out your name in the middle of the night? Remove the pleasure,
and you then remove the relationship.
Do I
claim to love you because you give me something quite useful, or make my day
easier, or help me to win some profit? Remove the utility, and you then remove
the relationship.
Or do I
claim to love you because of who you are, not because of what you have?
The measure of any man, and of any woman, is the virtue in the mind and the heart.
No terms or requirements can be attached to what gets right down to the core. There
is the real beauty.
I love
you for being you, not for what you do for me. I give myself to you, with no
expectation of any other benefits. To love you is a privilege, and nothing you
provide can be treated as a right.
You are
my second self. This is what makes you my best friend. Even if you walked away
from me, and even if you told me that I didn’t matter, you would still matter
the world to me.
That isn’t
sentimental bullshit; that’s what some of us still call love. It’s a choice, not
merely a feeling.
I shudder
with terror when I hear people say: “I will love you, as long as you love me.” That’s
not love; it’s bargaining.
Mutual friendship
in general, and the love of marriage in particular, as the most perfect
expression of mutual friendship, are only possible by means of a common end. What
is it that we share? Yes, we share a home, and a bank account, and sometimes we
swap our cars out of an annoying necessity. That isn’t enough.
I lie
next to you every night, not out of some obligation, but because our bodies are
meant to be one. I speak to you when I am sad, not because you raise my
spirits, but because our souls are meant to be one.
If I am
crooked, I cease to be there for you. I you are crooked, you cease to be there
for me. Then there is a big empty space.
If we
are both crooked, that empty space becomes a vast chasm.
If we
attend to our virtues, to living with understanding and compassion, there will
be no divide. Hobbies, and pastimes, and social engagements do not make a
marriage. The feelings of joy can only proceed form a commitment to absolute self-giving.
Written in 12/1999
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