Chapter
7
In
all cases one should be careful in one's choice of men, and see whether they are
worthy of our bestowing a part of our life upon them, or whether we shall waste
our own time and theirs also: for some even consider us to be in their debt
because of our services to them.
Athenodorus
said that "he would not so much as dine with a man who would not be
grateful to him for doing so”; meaning, I imagine, that much less would he go
to dinner with those who recompense the services of their friends by their
table, and regard courses of dishes as donatives, as if they overate themselves
to do honor to others.
Take
away from these men their witnesses and spectators: they will take no pleasure
in solitary gluttony.
This all sounds like something my
mother would have told me: “Know who you are, know what you’re doing, and know
who you’re doing it with.” I’m hearing it in German in my head right now.
Ultimately, the only real obstacles
I have ever faced were the ones I put in my own way. There was always something
good to be found in any circumstance that was ever given to me, but I got
myself into trouble when my own thoughts and actions failed to make the right use
of those options.
These problems inevitably arose when
I made poor judgments about the quality of my own character, about the tasks I
chose to take on, and about the friends I decided to surround myself with. Of
these, my pursuit of poor company has had the deepest and longest-lasting consequences.
Far too often, the act of trusting
and following people with a very different sense of right and wrong than my own
would encourage me to doubt my convictions. It becomes easier to stray from a
path when you see others doing it ahead of you; what is outside the soul can
slowly but surely color what is inside the soul, and you may not even notice it
happening.
The temptation, of course, is to
think that other people make us good or bad, when that is hardly the case. We
make ourselves good or bad, though the environment we place ourselves in will
make that much easier or much harder. To borrow a technical term from the
Peripatetics, I remain the efficient cause of my judgments, the agent of
action, even as my circumstances serve as material causes, the opportunity for
action.
It is not that I should hate, or
dismiss, or ignore people who live poorly, since I am called to seek what is
good for them, just as I am for anyone; yes, I am even called to love them.
Rather, I need to consider what sort of relationship I am forming with them,
and how this will in turn relate to my own values. Even though I am the one
steering the ship, the winds and currents will still be pushing at me from
different sides.
Am I helping others if I condone
their vices, whether explicitly or implicitly? Am I helping myself if I
surround myself with vices? How can I be going in the right direction, if I am
in the middle of a herd going in the wrong direction?
Consider the example, as Seneca
does, of what the people we call our friends might expect from us. Do they give
only when they receive? Are they more interested in what we can do for them
than what they can do for us? Will their interest come and go with the degrees
of their utility and pleasure?
A selfish heart will reveal itself
in its constant need to be praised and compensated, to use others as a means to
glorify itself. I think of a loud fellow I know, always wanting to be the
center of attention, who will show up at parties with the finest food and
drink, and then tells everyone that he was the one who provided them. He cares
nothing for the gift, and is only waiting for the thanks.
I am not doing someone like that any
favors by spending my time with him; in fact, I am doing him a disservice,
because I am feeding his vanity. Let me respect him, by all means, but let me
avoid traveling in his circles and living as he lives.
Nor am I doing myself any favors by
spending my time with him; in fact, I am doing myself a disservice, because I am
surrounding myself with the very things I need to avoid. Let me have a care for
his welfare, but let me not care for what he cares about.
Remove a man’s opportunities for
vice, and you may well help him choose to be less vicious. Don’t feed the
trolls.
Remove a man from your own private affairs,
and you may well help yourself to become more virtuous. Don’t blindly follow any
herd.
Written in 8/2011
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