Seneca, On Peace of Mind 2.4

Let us now consider in a general way how it may be attained: then you may apply as much as you choose of the universal remedy to your own case. Meanwhile we must drag to light the entire disease, and then each one will recognize his own part of it.

At the same time you will understand how much less you suffer by your self-depreciation than those who are bound by some showy declaration that they have made, and are oppressed by some grand title of honor, so that shame rather than their own free will forces them to keep up the pretense.

We will all approach it in our own way, and we will all express it in our own manner, but peace of mind is that fundamental need we all share. Everything else in our lives will depend upon the order and balance within us, as much as we may be drawn away by the lure of things outside us. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can offer me happiness, if I have not first and foremost come to peace with myself.

Some of us struggle with achieving this goal more than others, for we all possess different dispositions, and we all face different circumstances. Some may have a discouraging day, and need a bit of friendly encouragement. Others may confront pain that seems unbearable, and will receive no comfort at all when they are simply told to tough it out. Still, whatever the degree of our separation from happiness, we will all find ourselves at different places along the very same path.

I may worry that I am failing, and I may be tempted to give up hope, yet I must remember that my awareness of my own weakness is itself a sign of progress. At the very least, I know that something is missing, and I know that there is something I must do.

This is far better than having lied to others, and having lied to myself, over and over, to the point where I actually come to believe my own lies. I convince myself that I am always doing it right. In making myself appear grand, I have forgotten that an appearance is never a substitute for the reality. Faking it is not making it.

If I insist how decent and thoughtful I am, and I bask in the praise of others, and I graciously receive all the rewards that are supposed to come with success, I have now trapped myself in my own vanity. How can I possibly escape without looking bad, which is what I have come to fear the most?

No, I should be glad to admit to my faults and my doubts, both to others and to myself. I am not yet a good man, but I would like more than anything to become one. For all of my struggles, I can still have the advantage of honest self-reflection; from this can follow realization, improvement, and growth. No good will come from only pretending I am a good man, while being terrified that the whole illusion will somehow collapse.

In my teaching, I often notice how students doing their best can become quite worried that they could be doing better, while those doing their worst can remain rather proud of their failures. Doubt is not necessarily a bad thing, and confidence is not necessarily a good thing. That line between only seeming and actually being will make all the difference. 

Written in 5/2011