Seneca, On Peace of Mind 2.2

What you need, therefore, is, not any of those harsher remedies to which allusion has been made, not that you should in some cases check yourself, in others be angry with yourself, in others sternly reproach yourself, but that you should adopt that which comes last in the list, have confidence in yourself, and believe that you are proceeding on the right path, without being led aside by the numerous divergent tracks of wanderers that cross it in every direction, some of them circling about the right path itself.

There are times when I need to be tough with myself, and then there are times when I need to give myself a bit more credit. I know how dangerous it can be to confuse the two, but when informed by honest understanding each method has its place.

To use Seneca’s analogy, sometimes I have completely lost my way, and I don’t know where the right path is, or even in which direction I am pointed. Great dangers call for radical measures, so I need to be as firm with myself as I can possibly be.

At other times, I am already on the right path, and my moral compass has steered me in the right direction. Still I am easily distracted, or weighed down by the pettiest things, or prone to lethargy. I stumble, I fall, I get confused. This may well be the time when I don’t need to give myself a stern lecture, but rather some calm and patient encouragement.

My own experience has been that this is like the difference between knowing nothing at all and at least knowing a bit of something, or also between a stubborn indignation and a sincere willingness to improve. It is a wilted conscience as distinct from a growing conscience. A firm hand has often helped me with the former, and a gentle touch with the latter.

I’m not sure if the analogies works entirely, but I picture it to myself as something like the contrast between the stick and the carrot, or between vinegar and honey.

I have some experience in working with self-help groups, and I have noticed we will sometimes foolishly apply a certain remedy at the time when it is least helpful.  Your mileage may vary, but a good hug is not the best solution when a member has stolen the cashbox to feed his vice of choice. Similarly, a raised voice is the worst response when a member is in tears because she has had a bad day.

There is a world of difference between “You lazy bum!” and “You’re doing great. Keep going!”

I have found this test to be useful: What is my current attitude toward my own responsibilities? If I am smugly looking down at them, I may need a thrashing to get myself back on track. If I am struggling to keep up with them, I probably need kind inspiration. Sometimes I need to be brought down, and sometimes I need to be raised up. 

Written in 5/2011