Stoics R Us

Do you want to become a real Stoic? Are you dissatisfied with the 9 to 5 grind, and the mortgage payment, and the alimony and the child support, and the fact that you could really just feel much better about yourself than you do right now?

Don't despair! We've worked it out for you! We have a number of plans to help you modify your life, to get you a hotter girlfriend, to improve your workplace productivity, and to make you feel more comfortable about living just as you always did. It's all in the image, my friends.

Once you have completed our program, there will only be a totally new you, able to use phrases like "Memento Mori", "Preferred Indifferent", and  "Dichotomy of Control". Your boss will be really impressed by your sudden self-reliance, and you'll be sure to be promoted to Regional Vice-President in no time.

Need something to perk up your day? Here we offer special products, centers for your arete, representing everything that matters to you:

A piece of Earth, one of the Four Stoic Elements, to ground you. $9.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

Better yet, this very special stone reflects the newly found solidity of your Stoic commitment. $19.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

 

Coins! We all like money, right? But this is a special coin! It sat next to a copy of the Meditations on my kitchen table. $29.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

Feeling the need to express your new Stoic thoughts? We have a journal for you, specifically designed for your very exacting Stoic requirements. $39.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

Do you actually like reading, you know, reading real books? Actual books? Here are some links to books about being Stoic, because you will never find these secret tomes of wisdom without our help!

The Super Hidden Teachings  of Seneca, $49.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Author:Seneca

The Super Hidden Teachings of Epictetus, $49.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Author:Epictetus

The Super Hidden Teachings of Marcus Aurelius, $49.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Author:Marcus_Aurelius_Antoninus

Do you want to go all out? All three secret and sacred mystery texts can be yours for just $299.99 right now, but only for this week, because we care so much about you. [BUY NOW] ***FREE SHIPPING FOR A LIMITED TIME***

Don't you know you can be JUST like a Roman Emperor, if you put your mind to it? Don't listen to the losers who say you should be a good man, humble and decent, but be a frickin' ROMAN EMPEROR! You will make new friends, and you will seriously impress people.

The Complete Stoic Enlightenment Package includes all of the above, PLUS we will send you profound daily memes, taken from all sorts of sources, all of them including pretty pictures, for an entire year. You may then "like" them, and tell us how much a single statement, taken entirely out of context, helped you put up with your boss and that shrew of an ex-wife.

Remember, though, that supplies are limited. $799.99, plus s/h [BUY NOW]

You can trust me, because I once worked as a greeter at Abercrombie & Fitch, and my abs were really ripped. Amor Fati!  

—bsc