. . . Seventh, that it is not
men's acts that disturb us, for those acts have their foundation in men's
ruling principles, but it is our own opinions that disturb us.
Take away these opinions then,
and resolve to dismiss your judgment about an act as if it was something
grievous, and your anger is gone.
How then shall you take away
these opinions? By reflecting that no wrongful act of another brings shame on you;
for unless that which is shameful is alone bad, you also must of necessity do
many things wrong, and become a robber and everything else. . . .
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.18 (tr
Long)
If I can
begin to embrace the ethical core of Stoicism, that my own happiness proceeds
from my own thoughts and deeds, then I can also begin to embrace its corollary,
that the thoughts and deeds of others will only have as much power over me as I
choose to give them.
If taken
seriously, and applied to all aspects of my life with sincerity and conviction,
I become a radically different person than I was before. Even as others will
perhaps begin to look at me more and more strangely, I will also find myself
able to pass through and over many circumstances I once considered completely
insurmountable. I will find peace in ways I did not think at all possible, and
I will be able to practice decency where before I could only grapple with fear,
rage and disappointment.
That it
may at first show itself only in small ways should hardly be a discouragement,
since I begin to understand that all the obstacles are only as big or small as
I make them out to be in my judgment. I learned quickly that half-measures
won’t do here; it’s an all-or-nothing kind of deal. Still, if I work on my own
estimation first and foremost, the results can truly fill me with awe and
wonder.
I only
need to consider how deeply rooted my obsession with outside circumstances has
been. He made promises he didn’t keep, or she said she loved me and slept
around, or I worked as hard as I could but still found myself poor and alone.
The assumption in all of those complaints, and they are really just complaints,
is that the world hasn’t treated me as I think I should be treated.
But what
does any of that have to do with me? The whole wobbly house of cards collapses
when I see the foolishness of defining something, anything at all, by
everything other than what it is within itself. A man is a happy or a miserable
man because he is a good or a bad man, not because another is a good or a bad man.
I at
first assume it is impossible, but I only need to make the conscious decision
to change what I value, and then I will no longer be so hurt by what I don’t
value. Of course other people matter, and as a social animal I should care
deeply about what they do and say, but what they do and say no longer needs to
determine my own character. I’m the fellow to do that, and I’m the only one who
stands in the way of that judgment.
If I
know that it does not make me or break me, I will not choose to let it make me
suffer, and if I do not let it make me suffer, I will not be resentful. If I
allow it to shame me, my reactions will be no better than those of the people I
complain about.
So I
worry that another has wronged me, when all along I should be focusing my
efforts on doing what is right from myself. Am I hurt and frustrated when I am
deceived, or ridiculed, or abused? My only reasonable response is to work on my
own deceiving, or ridiculing, or abusing.
Written in 5/2009
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