Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.18.5

. . . Fifth, consider that you do not even understand whether men are doing wrong or not, for many things are done with a certain reference to circumstances.

And in short, a man must learn a great deal to enable him to pass a correct judgment on another man's acts. . . .

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11.18 (tr Long)

Let’s say I can clearly see that an action is harmful, and I can discern from what sort of general principles a man acts. Can I not now judge him confidently, and say with certainty that I am better, while he is worse?

Yet there is still so much I do not understand, and quite possibly will never be able to fully understand. I should not be so hasty. What particular dispositions, habits, conditions, and circumstances affected a decision? What aspects have I overlooked, what factors am I perhaps completely unaware of? While I may see what someone has done, can I see all that was going on that led to exactly why it was done?

Walking in someone else’s shoes is not as easy as it sounds!

If I look at the events that have troubled me the most, I have to remember first that how much I suffered from them was really up to me, and second that I should not immediately assume malice in people’s actions. In many cases, I dwelt upon the pain, and I then found fault with someone else for suffering that pain.

If I consider it more closely, however, there are huge gaps, vast empty spaces, in my awareness of why these things very really done. Many of the actions that have had the greatest impact on my life largely remain mysteries, where I can only guess what was actually going on in people’s lives, and what may have been running through their heads at the time. There was surely much I never saw, and perhaps that I did not need to see.

I will often grow frustrated when people paint a picture I am sure is far too simple, and I will then insist that there is far more going on than they realize. Well, let me insist on much the same for myself. My own motives are never cut and dry, clearly right or wrong, but are often nuanced and layered. I should remember that for anyone’s motives.

I did not know at the time, for example, that a student who I had great respect for, but who clearly disliked me with a great intensity, did so because I reminded her too much of someone who had been a source of great sadness in her life.

Here I assumed she was just being dismissive and rude, when in fact there was something completely different going on. I only learned of this fact many years later, and it now serves as a healthy reminder that I should not judge too quickly what I do not fully comprehend.

Shoes often look very different on the outside than they feel on the inside.

Written in 5/2009