Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 8.50

Say nothing more to yourself than what the first appearances report.

Suppose that it has been reported to you that a certain person speaks ill of you. This has been reported, but that you have been injured, that has not been reported.

I see that my child is sick. I do see, but that he is in danger, I do not see.

Thus then always abide by the first appearances, and add nothing yourself from within, and then nothing happens to you. Or rather add something like a man who knows everything that happens in the world.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8 (tr Long)

In a more clinical sense, just stick to the facts. In a more personal sense, never allow an estimation to make something any more than it is in itself, thereby making it unbearable for oneself.

If I consider the events in my life that seemed the most painful, I will immediately think of losing a friend and of losing a child. The memory of both occasions is still very vivid for me, and I can recall that first moment where the simple reality of what had happened set in.

I realized that where I had once assumed trust, there was now deception. I realized that where there was once life, there was life no more. There is certain sense of shock, but also of profound clarity, when something like that is revealed.

And though I couldn’t really measure it by any amount of time, the awareness was very soon followed by the deepest sense of hurt, the lowest despair, and the sharpest anger. So as I cried and wallowed I naturally assumed that it was the events themselves that caused the grief, and I tried to come to terms with those events. What I didn’t realize was that I was causing myself the grief, and I really needed to come to terms with myself.

Throughout the world, in all sorts of ways, things will come and things will go. Some will do so in harmony with Nature, and others will do so because people choose to fight against Nature, but in either case what has happened has happened. I must simply begin with that. It then remains my responsibility to transform any circumstance into something good instead of something evil.

I need to consider first the occurrence, and then quite separately how my judgment will add my own sense of meaning and purpose to the occurrence. If I am filled with an attitude of conflict and resentment, then I may think that whatever has happened can only destroy me. But if I am filled with an attitude of peace and acceptance, then I may think that whatever has happened can help me to better myself.

My thinking will color whether I take something to be a punishment or an opportunity. I am the one who will determine what it will mean to me, for good or for ill.

None of this should suggest denying how we feel, or encourage us to become cold and heartless. If I am confronted with pain or confusion, let those feelings come, but let them also be rightly understood. Let me work with them and not against them, ordering them toward the building of character. If something hurts, I need not assume that only harm will follow. Healing can also follow.

What am I adding to events? If I am adding anything, should that not be an awareness that everything, however confusing and mysterious, has its place in Providence?

I shouldn’t even be speaking of a happening as good or bad, pleasant or painful, but of my response to a happening as good or bad, pleasant or painful. Discerning this difference is truly liberating.

Written in 5/2008

IMAGE: Käthe Kollwitz, Woman with Dead Child (1903)