. . . He will say, "Whatever I
have hitherto done I wish were undone. When I think over what I have said, I
envy dumb people. Whatever I have longed for seems to have been what my enemies
would pray to befall me.
“Good heaven, how far more endurable
what I have feared seems to be than what I have lusted after. I have been at
enmity with many men, and have changed my dislike of them into friendship, if
friendship can exist between bad men: yet I have not yet become reconciled to myself.
“I have striven with all my strength to
raise myself above the common herd, and to make myself remarkable for some
talent. What have I effected except to make myself a mark for the arrows of my
enemies, and show those who hate me where to wound me?
“Do you see those who praise your
eloquence, who covet your wealth, who court your favor, or who vaunt your
power? All these either are, or, which comes to the same thing, may be your
enemies. The number of those who envy you is as great as that of those who
admire you; why do I not rather seek for some good thing that I can use and feel,
not one that I can show?
“These good things which men gaze at in
wonder, which they crowd to see, which one points out to another with
speechless admiration, are outwardly brilliant, but within are miseries to
those who possess them.”
— Seneca
the Younger, On the happy life,
Chapter 2 (tr Stewart)
What
begins to happen when I look past everything that is extraneous to only the
things that are essential? I won’t just see myself and my world from a slightly
different angle, but in many cases I will actually begin seeing it in a
completely opposite manner.
Once I
consider my happiness through my nature, and not from my circumstances, so many
aspects of the good and the bad will be flipped in my judgment. The things I
once desired become repugnant, and what I was once proud of is now a source of
shame. The goal is no longer about providing more for myself, but rather making more of myself, not appearing
good, but rather being good, and not
ruling the world, but ruling my own attitude about the world. The shift is starting
to think from the inside out, instead of from the outside in.
I have
myself found no clearer instance of this than our estimation of friends. As
soon as I acquire friends because of what they will do for me, such a
relationship is entirely relative and changeable. The difference between a
friend and an enemy will become as razor thin as the perception of convenience
or inconvenience. I believe Seneca is quite right to question whether
friendship can even exist between bad men, for in one sense, everyone is an
enemy, someone waiting to be used or opposed, to be treated as a means and
never as an end.
I once
knew a fellow who had been married three times, and he was quite proud of the
fact that the third was a charm. He was happy to explain that he had figured
out, through the experience of the first two wives, how to speak and act in
following the path of least resistance, and to receive what he expected. His
proof of this was the first two wives hadn’t lasted very long, but the he was
now approaching a major anniversary with the last one. “I won’t marry again if
this one turns out not to work after all,” he said. “It just won’t be worth it
for me.”
I was
prudent enough to bite my tongue, but I understood his thinking entirely, as I
had seen it so often before. The third wife had indeed lasted the longest, but
this was proof of nothing other than that she had pleased him the longest. If
she ceased to please him, then that relationship would also be over; she would
become as mocked and ridiculed as her predecessors. For now, however, she and her
children would be the perfect family on all the holiday cards and vacation
photos.
I know I
am on the right path with the Stoic Turn when I understand that desiring
everything praised and admired on the outside will be the death of me on the
inside. It isn’t the many things in this world, all of them beautiful in
themselves, or the many people I will meet, all of them worthy of love in
themselves, that are the problem, but the manner in which I approach them that
will make all the difference. As soon as I define myself by what I possess and
control, I have enslaved my character to appearance and utility.
Written in 4/2007
Image: Georges Rouget, Marriage of Napoleon I and Marie Louise (1810)
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