For what does the man who submits
to insult do that is wrong?
It is the doer of wrong who
forthwith puts himself to shame, while the sufferer, who does nothing but submit,
has no reason whatever to feel shame or disgrace.
Therefore, the sensible man would
not go to the law nor bring indictments, since he would not even consider that
he had been insulted.
Besides, to be annoyed or racked
about such things would be petty. Rather he will easily and
silently bear what has happened, since this befits one whose purpose is to be
noble-minded.
Someone has slapped you in the face. Now you must decide
what you will do.
You may think I am exaggerating for effect, but I
assure you that in the neighborhood where I grew up, the routine would be to
fall down on the ground dramatically, then call your lawyer, and then show up
at court wearing a neck brace.
When I later moved to my wife’s corner of America,
things would play themselves out a bit differently. A slap, however timid it
may have been, would be met with the swing of a fist, and then a second, and
then a third, and finally a kick to the gut for good measure. Your job was
considered done when the fool who touched was no longer trying to stand up.
One of the reasons I have never felt quite at home anywhere
is that I have never felt comfortable with either sort of response.
When I was very young, I read about Jesus telling
me to turn the other cheek, and in an odd sort of way that immediately made
sense to me. There were sadly a few shameful occasions where I allowed myself
to be consumed by my own rage, but that has remained my ideal ever since.
I don’t think anyone I have met, not even my sensible
wife, quite understands my way of thinking. The Stoics were able to put it into
words far better than I ever could.
It begins with the recognition that nothing of
benefit is ever achieved, not one tiny bit, by inflicting harm for harm, insult
for insult, injury for injury. There is no nobility in vengeance, no glory in
crushing an enemy, no peace of mind in meeting hatred with more hatred. Instead
of transforming an evil into a good, it compounds and multiplies the evil. When
I live this way, I become exactly what I despise in another.
To make this possible in my own thinking, another
step is necessary. I am always tempted to respond in kind when I am harmed, but
if I can realize that I have not really been harmed at all to begin with, then
I will no longer take such great offense. You have insulted my name? That isn’t
me. You have taken away my property? That doesn’t define me. You have injured
my body? Who I am is deeper than that, and you can’t touch it.
I will only feel hurt when I lose something that I
think is important. Once I embrace a Stoic attitude, one that sees moral worth as
the fulfillment of my nature, I can walk away from any conflict without a
scratch. My own priorities will determine what I think is worth fighting for.
Do I have the right to defend my reputation, my
possessions, my own life and limb? Of course I do, insofar as I would prefer to
retain such things. If it within my power to keep them, let me do so, but once
I compromise my own virtue for their sake, I have turned everything on its
head. I have traded what is greater for what is lesser.
The person who tells you he will do anything to be
respected, to be wealthy, or even simply to survive has already revealed to you
where his true interests lie. He cares for these things more than living well. Let him have his satisfaction, and you can have
yours.
“I’m going to kick the shit out of you!”
I’d prefer that you didn’t, but if stopping you
requires becoming like you, then do what you must do. I will do what I must do.
I know it sounds insane to most anyone I know, yet
it makes perfect sense when I work from the inside out, not from the outside in.
But
I say to you that hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless
those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To him who strikes you on
the cheek, offer the other also; and from him who takes away your coat do not
withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and of him who
takes away your goods do not ask for them again. And as you wish that men would
do to you, do so to them.
Written in 4/2015
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