If a man is mistaken, instruct him kindly, and show him his
error.
But if you are not able, blame yourself, or blame not even yourself.
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.4 (tr
Long)
We can feel all
different sorts of pain, but few things feel quite as uncomfortable as being in
disagreement or conflict with someone. On the one hand, we suffer from anger
when we think that someone else is wrong. On the other hand, we suffer from
sadness when someone else thinks that we are wrong.
There is pride
and insecurity mixed together, being confident enough to hate, but not being
confident enough to let it go. We may claim that we don’t care what someone
else thinks and says, but we really do care quite a bit, because otherwise it
wouldn’t bother us so much.
And through it
all, we will insist on the judgment that the other is always the one to blame. The
finger of fault is pointed outwards, even as we feel quite uncertain on the
inside.
Let us assume
that another is indeed mistaken in his thoughts, words, or deeds. Why should I
be angry with him, or hate him, or feel offended? What possible good can come
from condemning him? I can hardly say that I will feel better by being frustrated
with resentment, and I am hardly going to change his mind by treating him
poorly.
Should I not
instead help him to improve himself, using reason and respect? If he is in
error, it is because he is confused, or misguided, or ignorant of what is truly
good. Let me nudge him in the right direction, instead of pushing him into the
ground. Then we will have worked together, and there will no need for all the
petty bickering, or the cold shoulders, or the flinging of insults, or the
fiery glares.
If there is any
need for blame at all, let me find fault with only myself. Perhaps I was myself
mistaken, and he is not in error at all, or I have misunderstood what he has
said or done. Perhaps I did not speak to him rightly, or explain my thinking
clearly, and then I have failed him. Perhaps I am still harboring an animosity
toward him, and then I have only failed myself.
If I have
judged rightly, acted justly, and been disposed charitably, and he is still
mistaken, then there is no need for any blame at all. I have done what I
believe is right, and he has done what he believes is right. I should still
seek to help him, but there is no reason to hate him.
There is no
need to become indignant about the truth, just as there is no need to deny the
truth. If I am committed to what is right for myself, I will have done the best
thing I can to share what is right with another.
Written in 1/2009
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