To her who gives and takes back all, to Nature, the man who
is instructed and modest says, “Give what you will, and take back what you
will.”
And he says this not
proudly, but obediently, and is well pleased with her.
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.14 (tr
Long)
The most
reliable way to never be disappointed with life is to reform my very
expectations. This is not a matter of lowering the standards of what I want,
but rather of pursuing the excellence of what I actually need. It means not
waiting to receive anything at all, but rather finding happiness in the good of
what I myself am able to do.
If I examine
the conventional approach to happiness, the one we are simply expected to
follow by default, it becomes rather frightening how much of it depends on the
convergence of circumstances. We like to tell ourselves that we have somehow
earned our success, our security, or our place in the world, and that they are
all the result of our effort and hard work.
Yet notice how
often one man who is committed and dedicated will win what he thinks is his worldly
reward, while another dozen who struggle even more will receive nothing at all.
Indeed, we see quite a few people become rich or famous without even trying. I
can strive all I want, but whether or not life gives me what I aim for is
really quite beyond my power, and depends precariously on the approval and
actions of others.
Pursue wealth,
or honor, or pleasure, and we are playing a dangerous game, where the odds are
not in our favor. Still we take credit when we win, though how the dice fell
had nothing to do with us, and we cast blame when we lose, though we were the
only ones who chose to place the bet.
Perhaps the
better choice is not to rely on the game at all? If fortune gives me this, let
me be content with it, but if she takes away that, let me also be content with
it. I can only do this when I understand that the value of my life is not in
what happens to me, because that has nothing to do with me, and is not within
my power. The value of my life is rather in my own thinking and doing, because
that is everything that I am, and is completely within my power.
I have felt
disappointed when events don’t go as I would have liked, or when I have desired
to possess something I cannot have. I have felt most disappointed when people
say one thing, and them do something quite different. But why should I choose
to embrace that feeling of loss or frustration? If I never thought I had a
right to something to begin with, I will not be saddened by its loss. If I do
not think it is necessary for me to live happily, I can then either take it or
leave it.
Some will bask
in the glory of their good fortune, and others will cry at the shame of their
bad fortune. I do not need to do either, because I can choose to see that
whatever is given or taken away is never in itself good or bad. All of it can
be pleasing to me, if I only remember what is truly my own.
Written in 1/2009
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