He
who flies from his master is a runaway; but the law is master, and he who
breaks the law is a runaway.
And
he also who is grieved, or angry, or afraid, is dissatisfied because something
has been, or is, or shall be of the things which are appointed by Him who rules
all things, and He is Law and assigns to every man what is fit.
He
then who fears, or is grieved, or is angry is a runaway.
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 10.25 (tr
Long)
I remind myself every day that my
happiness is found in how I choose to live, not in how others choose to live. Let
me seek to love, and not demand to be loved. Let me make something happen,
however small, and not be ruled by whatever happens, however big. Let me be
measured by what I gave, not by what I received.
And still, my old habits will die
hard. I will find myself slipping back into the old language, the old thinking,
and the old resentments. I will see how hatefully, how selfishly, or just how
carelessly others have acted, and I will feel like a victim. I will be overcome
by despair, rage, and terror.
I am ashamed to admit that my
frustration is really not the work of a decent man, but of a self-righteous
man, one who expects the world to do what he wants. This is cowardice, not
courage. When I lash out at others, I am not strong at all. I am weak. I cast blame,
and I expect to be gratified.
My moral measure, my respect for
law, is not a matter of just following this or that set of external rules. No,
the law is something much deeper, the internal right and the wrong in the very
nature of being human, itself a reflection of the law within all of Nature.
Whenever I begin to complain about
the ways of the world, I am rejecting who I was made to be, in favor of what I
demand should be done to me.
I am running away from myself, from
my own responsibilities to myself to others, and I am ultimately blaming God,
where I should only blame myself.
“I can’t believe in a God who allows
people to suffer!”
Let me channel my best inner
Epictetus: “Fool! You are allowed to suffer so that you may become better! Slave!
You let the evil of others rule you, when you were made to be your own master!”
I once impishly tricked a whole
class into thinking that was a real quote from the Enchiridion, and they threw pencils and balls of paper at me when
they couldn’t find it anywhere in the text. Good times!
There are the times I need to treat
myself with a greater gentleness, and then there are the times I need to slap
myself quite firmly in the face. As soon as I let my fear, or my grief, or my
anger get the better of me, I am a runaway.
My own mind only works rightly when
it is in harmony with Mind. Allow it to occur as it is meant to occur, and please
accept my own best actions to be my own best answer.
“I am shocked, offended, and
outraged at your thinking!” I should stop saying that whenever I see something
I do not prefer. I should fix myself, since that is my proper domain.
Written in 2/2009
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