If you are able, correct by teaching those who do wrong; but
if you cannot, remember that indulgence is given to you for this purpose.
And the gods, too, are indulgent to such persons; and for
some purposes they even help them to get health, wealth, reputation; so kind
they are. And it is in your power also; or say, who hinders you?
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 9.11 (tr
Long)
I shudder when
I think of all the times I was convinced another had done me wrong, and then in
my righteous attempts to set him right, I only committed a wrong myself. How
sad that my effort at correcting a perceived offense resulted only in
compounding the offense, that I managed to make a bad thing even worse.
I can rule and
change myself, but I cannot rule and change another man; only he can do that
for himself. I can certainly inspire him, advise him, or guide him by example,
but he will be the one who decides how he will live.
If I restrain
him by force, punish him by deprivation, or intimidate him with sanctions, I
may hinder his actions, but he will be the one who decides if he alters his
mind and his will.
I should be
careful that in my zeal for retribution, I do not end up becoming the more
brutal man. I can hardly expect to teach respect when I fail to practice it.
And if he does
not listen to me? Then I can recognize that he does wrong, while also choosing
to treat him right. I can reject the thinking, without rejecting the one who
thinks. I can condemn the act, and continue to love the person.
Whenever I am
faced with vice that is beyond my own power, the virtue within my power calls
me to tolerance. Once I have encouraged another in every way I can, I must
still allow him his own way. I will bear with him, I will support him, I will
give completely of myself to help him make himself better, but I cannot carry
him if he refuses to be carried.
I do not think
of tolerance as a permissive relativism, where the real difference between
right and wrong is confused.
I do not think
of tolerance as a smug condescension, where one simply looks down upon others
as ignorant fools.
I do not think
of tolerance as a begrudging hardness, where offenses are only suffered with
gritted teeth.
No, tolerance
is patience, it is a conviction, it is a true expression of compassion. Providence
itself practices tolerance, because it permits us to exercise our freedom, even
while never turning away from us, or refusing assistance to us.
I can hardly go
wrong by mirroring the wisdom and love of Providence.
Written in 8/2008
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