Never
value anything as profitable to yourself that shall compel you to break your
promise, to lose your self-respect, to hate any man, to suspect, to curse, to
act the hypocrite, to desire anything that needs walls and curtains.
For
he who has preferred to everything else intelligence, and the daemon and the
worship of its excellence, acts no tragic part, does not groan, will not need
either solitude or much company.
And,
what is chief of all, he will live without either pursuing or flying from
death, but whether for a longer or a shorter time he shall have the soul
enclosed in the body, he cares not at all; for even if he must
depart immediately, he will go as readily as if he were going to do anything
else which can be done with decency and order, taking care of this only all
through life, that his thoughts turn not away from anything which belongs to an
intelligent animal and a member of a civil community.
—Marcus
Aurelius, Meditations, Book 3 (tr
Long)
We live
in a society that quite rightly says we must have respect for ourselves, and we
have television celebrities who make millions telling us all about how much
that matters. I am then saddened by how we repeatedly miss the mark. I wonder how
often we confuse respecting ourselves with gaining the respect of others,
whatever the cost to ourselves may be.
I think
of all the people I have known who have the most impeccable image of propriety
in public, smiling for the camera, as they say, while in private they lie,
cheat, steal, and treat other human beings as disposable commodities. It
becomes the image of decency imposed upon a core of depravity.
I should
hardly throw stones, because I have seen how easily I can be willing to sell my
own dignity. I recall that episode of The
Twilight Zone, “Mr. Denton on Doomsday”, where the town drunk will disgrace
himself to entertain the bar patrons, only so they will toss him a free drink.
I know I
have failed to keep my word because it would have been unpleasant or
inconvenient. I have violated what I think is decent to cut corners. I have
responded to others with hate instead of love, just because it was easier. I
have doubted people I should trust since I questioned only myself, and I have trusted
people I should doubt since it seemed to offer quick gratification. I have insulted
others when I could not manage myself. I have said one thing and done exactly
the opposite, thinking I could have it both ways.
Perhaps
worst of all, I have assumed I can always retire behind a cloak of appearances,
and be someone who gets what he wants, but who cannot bear to have others see him
getting what he wants. Privacy triumphs over decency. A priest I once knew, one
of the good ones, told me that we would never feel shame if we had nothing to
hide, and we would hardly hide anything that is good about us.
I only
need to stop playing, and to start living. Respect is not about being the cock
of the walk, but about being able to look myself in the mirror without
cringing. It doesn’t matter if I am alone or in a crowd, because I only need to
follow the guidance of my own reason, and the integrity of my own character.
Then there is no need for play acting, or pretending to be the victim.
Marcus
Aurelius returns to the immanence of death time and time again, not because of any
morbid obsession, but because he knows it is the ultimate test of human
character. If it were to end right now, would there be regret? Would I try to
change anything at the last moment? Would I have to be like the host who has
unexpected guests, and must hurriedly tidy up before anyone can see the mess?
I will
only fear death if my house is not in order. I can know that I am living well,
in decency and order as wisdom and virtue demand, if I have nothing that is
hidden away, nothing of which I need to be ashamed, and nothing that I have
left undone. I can whistle as I walk down the street if I have shown respect to
myself, and thereby shown respect to all of Nature.
Written in 1/2005
Image: The Twilight Zone, "Mr Denton on Doomsday"
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