The Death of Marcus Aurelius

The Death of Marcus Aurelius

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Seneca on Philosophy and Friendship 5



. . . For what purpose, then, do I make a man my friend? In order to have someone for whom I may die, whom I may follow into exile, against whose death I may stake my own life, and pay the pledge, too.

The friendship which you portray is a bargain and not a friendship; it regards convenience only, and looks to the results. Beyond question the feeling of a lover has in it something akin to friendship; one might call it friendship run mad. But, though this is true, does anyone love for the sake of gain, or promotion, or renown? Pure love, careless of all other things, kindles the soul with desire for the beautiful object, not without the hope of a return of the affection. What then? Can a cause which is more honorable produce a passion that is base?

You may retort: "We are now discussing the question whether friendship is to be cultivated for its own sake.” On the contrary, nothing more urgently requires demonstration; for if friendship is to be sought for its own sake, he may seek it who is self-sufficient.

"How, then,” you ask, "does he seek it?" Precisely as he seeks an object of great beauty, not attracted to it by desire for gain, nor yet frightened by the instability of Fortune. One who seeks friendship for favorable occasions, strips it of all its nobility. . . .

—Seneca the Younger, Moral Letters to Lucilius 9, tr Gummere

The Stoic stands in solidarity with the Works of Mercy, and with the shared values of all people of good will, when he proclaims that the friend is always one who will gladly give of himself, even his own life, for the sake of others. He cannot help but help himself by helping others, because he recognizes that his own dignity and worth rest in his practice of virtue.

I only began to see the difference between true and false friendship gradually, because I was often confused about its proper goal. I might simply make use of another, and wonder why I still felt empty, or I would be used by another, and wonder why I felt so lost. I learned that this was because I still had my wires crossed.

I have long found Seneca’s distinction between friendship and a bargain very helpful. What many of us call ‘friendship’ is usually a contract, conditional upon certain mutual benefits. As with any contract, if one or both parties default on their obligations, the agreement is now broken. It may now be renegotiated or abandoned. The measure of value to be traded in such a bargain may be pleasure, wealth, position, or emotional comfort, and once the gain of one or both ‘friends’ disappears, the relationship disappears.

I have known many people who appeared to reach out the hand of friendship, but I have then seen that hand withdrawn when the situation has changed. I have hurt myself by assuming an integrity and commitment that simply wasn’t there. Though I have always been very sensitive to fair-weather friendship, I have found myself also pursuing the model on occasion, and those instances have long been of great shame to me. I have often tried to right the wrong, though not always successfully.

My own living only began to become better when my mind cleared of all the clauses and conditions of the friendship contract. Friendship isn’t a bargain, but a commitment, and that commitment can really be expressed in three words: I love you. Nothing need be signed initialized, or notarized, because our actions themselves must be the fulfillment of the promise. Indeed, the words need not even be said at all, since what we do matters far more than what we say. I have sometimes found that powerfully expressed signs of affection can reveal very empty hearts, like a fancy exterior on a crumbling house.

Fair-weather friendships can be long or short, or more or less involved, but what they all share in common is that it isn’t the friend that is desired for his own sake, but an entirely different benefit that accompanies the friend. Remove the benefit and remove the friend. That isn’t love or friendship at all.

Written 1/2005

Image: Johann Heinrich Lips (1758-1817), An Allegory of Friendship

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