On Anxiety 4

. . . "Should I try to please you? Why? I suppose, you know the measure by which one man is estimated by another. Have you taken pains to learn what is a good man and what is a bad man, and how a man becomes one or the other? Why, then, are you not good yourself?

"'How,' he replies,' am I not good?' Because no good man laments or roans or weeps, no good man is pale and trembles, or says ''How will he receive me, how will he listen to me?' Slave, just as it pleases him.

"Why do you care about what belongs to others? Is it now his fault if he receives badly what proceeds from you? 'Certainly.' And is it possible that a fault should be one man's, and the evil in another? 'No.' Why then are you anxious about that which belongs to others? 'Your question is reasonable; but I am anxious how I shall speak to him.'

"Cannot you then speak to him as you choose? 'But I fear that I may be disconcerted?' If you are going to write the name of Dion, are you afraid that you would be disconcerted? 'By no means.' Why? is it not because you have practiced writing the name? 'Certainly.'

"Well, if you were going to read the name, would you not feel the same? and why? Because every art has a certain strength and confidence in the things which belong to it. Have you then not practiced speaking? and what else did you learn in the school? Syllogisms and sophistical propositions? For what purpose? was it not for the purpose of discoursing skillfully? and is not discoursing skillfully the same as discoursing seasonably and cautiously and with intelligence, and also without making mistakes and without hindrance, and besides all this with confidence? 'Yes.' . . .

--Epictetus, Discourses 2.13 (trans Long)

Many of us are familiar with that instinctive nervous feeling when we walk into a room full of people. What must we do to appear worthy of respect? We must not forget that the good man need not worry about the way he appears. He looks to the content of his soul, and does not rely upon the estimation of others. Another good man will surely recognize him simply by his character, and a bad man's opinion will already be disordered.

Anxiety is countered by confidence, not one of show or bravado, but a peace of mind that comes from the knowledge and practice of what is right and good. The man who tries to impress may seem strong, because he asserts his will and wins people over. He is, in fact, rather weak, because his very sense of identity depends upon being recognized.

I knew a fellow a few years back who was the typical lady's man. Rich, handsome, and charming, he always had a woman at his side. But he had an interesting quirk, one which he came to recognize in himself when it caused him great loss. Whoever he was with, he would still feel the need to pay his full attention to another woman. He eventually realized that he always wanted something that he didn't already have. So it is with any grasping person, and so it is with the seeker of attention and fame, because he fills what is empty within him from what is outside of him.

What we fear about our relations with others is what they make think of us, when all we need to be concerned about is whether we have done well to them, The rest will inevitably take care of itself.

Written in 11/1998

Image: Edvard Munch, Anxiety (1894)