On Constancy 11

. . . "'What then, ought we to publish these things to all men?' No, but we ought to accommodate ourselves to the ignorant and to say:

"'This man recommends to me that which he thinks good for himself: I excuse him.'

"For Socrates also excused the jailer, who had the charge of him in prison and was weeping when Socrates was going to drink the poison, and said, 'How generously he laments over us.'

"Does he then say to the jailer that for this reason we have sent away the women? No, but he says it to his friends who were able to hear it; and he treats the jailer as a child."

--Epictetus, Discourses 1.29 (tr Long)

 If we wish to practice constancy, and if we wish to live a truly philosophical life, we will find ourselves among many people who either do not understand us, or who even downright hate us.

Excuse them, and forgive them.

I once stared into the face of a person who had cheated on a lover. I suggested remorse and reconciliation. There was absolutely no recognition in her eyes. She had no idea that she had even done anything wrong, and she had no sense that her beloved had been hurt.

Now I could berate and scold, but that would do no good. I could only speak words of encouragement, and excuse her.

I once caught a Catholic priest sodomizing a boy in a bathroom stall. He knew I had seen what he had done, and before I made it back upstairs to my office, I was called in for a lecture from the Rector. I was told that I had seen nothing, I would say nothing, and I would apparently forget all of it.

I had seen, I did say, and I never forgot. None of that made any difference, because folks of that sort take care of their own. I could only be a poor witness, and excuse them.

To excuse others for their wrongs, or for their ignorance, is not to leave the guilty unpunished. Look at your jailer, at the man who abuses you, and do not act with hatred or vengeance. Otherwise, you are no better than he is.

Believe me, from my own experience, that man who has done wrong has already hurt himself far more than you can ever hurt him. And even if you wish to hurt him, that reflects very poorly on you, and hardly upon him.

To love your neighbor means to desire good for him, not to desire evil for him. Ask him to pay his proper debt, but never seek to destroy him. I see people on the news saying that they wish the same pain upon the criminal that was suffered by the victim. I find that shameless.

Do not worry if you are hated for being constant. You have lived by Nature. Another has lived by vice. You have been the better man. Always demand justice, but never demand vengeance.

Written in 4/1999

Image: Cesare Dandini, Personification of Constancy, c. 1634