Epictetus, Discourses 2.15.2

Let me describe another state of mind to be found in those who hear these precepts amiss. A friend of mine, for instance, determined for no reason to starve himself. I learnt of it when he was in the third day of his fasting, and went and asked him what had happened. 
 
“I have decided,” said he. 
 
Yes, but, for all that, say what it was that persuaded you; for if your decision was right, here we are at your side ready to help you to leave this life, but, if your decision was against reason, then change your mind. 
 
“A man must abide by his decisions.” 
 
What are you doing, man? Not all decisions, but right decisions. For instance, if you were convinced at the moment that it was right, abide by that opinion if you think fit, and do not change it, but say, “one must abide by one's decisions." 

—from Epictetus, Discourses 2.15 

 
I spit out my tea, all over the desk, when I first read this section. I had recently been flirting with the discipline of fasting, and it felt as if Epictetus was personally calling me out for my eccentricity. 
 
I was sure I had a good reason, but was I really just sticking with it out of pure stubbornness? To merely prove that I could do it was hardly enough, like when I doggedly waited all those years for a phone call or a letter from the girl who had long ago left me behind. 
 
While my experiment with fasting is a story for another time, this letter reminds me to always check my work, to be critical of my intentions, to honestly evaluate if I am acting out of a genuine conviction or simply out of vanity and willfulness. It is bad to deceive others, even worse to deceive ourselves. 
 
My mother often used a German phrase, “Jetzt erst recht nicht!”, or “Certainly not now!”, whenever I repeatedly hounded her for something she had already denied me. This drove me absolutely bananas, since I assumed she was being hard-nosed, though the irony was that I became more unyielding as she was trying to teach me a lesson about not always having my way. 
 
An acceptance of how it must unfold is a vastly underrated virtue, for I should yield when reason tells me why it is not meant to be. 
 
Contrary to what the liberals or the conservatives would have us believe, change is in itself neither good nor bad. Perhaps I will learn why I was mistaken, in which case I should mend my ways, or I will find a confirmation for my point of view, in which case I should stand my ground. 
 
The true, the good, and the beautiful remain the same in the mind of God, and yet our own awareness is constantly in flux; sometimes we move closer, and sometimes we drift away. Decide when you are sure, but then always be prepared to reconsider your choice. 
 
Growth is a process, not a destination. There is no end to becoming. Be certain that the final word is not yet written. 
 
A decade ago, I promised myself that I would never marry, and that I would commit to a life of celibacy. Even as I still hold to the reasons behind that decision, a pledge to never again treat love in a mercenary manner, life ended up having other plans for me. 
 
She appeared when I did not expect her, offering an opportunity I no longer thought possible. I affectionately say that she is a “piece of work”, in the full knowledge that I would now gladly die for her, without hesitation. In this case, the opinion was meant to evolve. 
 
Have I set aside food? For what purpose? Is it for the sake of restraint, or for the sake of appearances? Do I wish to improve my health, or do I wish to stroke my ego? Am I practicing piety, or am I playing God? It ceases to be the right thing when I discover how I have been doing it for all the wrong reasons. 

—Reflection written in 9/2001