Therefore, Zeno was not distressed when he was going to meet Antigonus, for Antigonus had no authority over any of the things that Zeno admired, and Zeno paid no attention to the possessions of Antigonus.
Antigonus was anxious when he was going to meet Zeno, and with good reason, for he wanted to please him, and this lay beyond his control; but Zeno did not wish to please Antigonus, any more than any artist cares to please one who has no skill.
Do I want to please you? Why should I? Do you know the standards by which man judges man? Have you made it your study to learn what a good man is and what a bad man is, and what makes each of them so? Why, then, are you not good yourself?
“Not good? What do you mean?” he replies.
Why, no good man whines or groans or laments, no good man grows pale or trembles or says, “How will he receive me? What hearing will he give me?”
Slave, he will do as he thinks good. What concern have you in what does not belong to you? Is it not his fault if he gives a bad reception to what you offer?
“His fault, certainly.”
But can the fault be one man's and the harm another's?
“No.”
Why, then, are you anxious about another's concerns?
Antigonus was anxious when he was going to meet Zeno, and with good reason, for he wanted to please him, and this lay beyond his control; but Zeno did not wish to please Antigonus, any more than any artist cares to please one who has no skill.
Do I want to please you? Why should I? Do you know the standards by which man judges man? Have you made it your study to learn what a good man is and what a bad man is, and what makes each of them so? Why, then, are you not good yourself?
“Not good? What do you mean?” he replies.
Why, no good man whines or groans or laments, no good man grows pale or trembles or says, “How will he receive me? What hearing will he give me?”
Slave, he will do as he thinks good. What concern have you in what does not belong to you? Is it not his fault if he gives a bad reception to what you offer?
“His fault, certainly.”
But can the fault be one man's and the harm another's?
“No.”
Why, then, are you anxious about another's concerns?
—from Epictetus, Discourses 2.13
Among those many unwritten rules, we are expected to fret over pleasing our superiors, though I will rarely hear of anyone questioning what actually makes a man better or worse. Generally speaking, if someone is rich, or can slip you a favor, or might cause you some injury, you are told that you should grovel. I once lost a precious hour of my life trapped in a meeting about choosing the best birthday gift for the provost—it was getting awfully close to promotions season.
By all means, give proper respect wherever it may be due, but first reflect upon your standards of merit, and do not treat fawning and fear as if they were forms of reverence. An anxiety over impressing the boss or placating the bully is a mark of weakness, not of virtue, for we dishonor both ourselves and others whenever we play such crafty games.
Zeno was just an insignificant philosopher, and Antigonus was the mighty king of Macedon, yet the one felt absolutely no need to be esteemed, while the other was always worried about winning further approval. How odd that the people who make the most noise in this world will so often possess the least confidence in themselves! If only they had a greater trust in their own convictions, they would not be so moved by the opinions of their fellows.
As much as I may prefer to be liked, it is not within my power to determine anyone else’s judgments. Let me carefully attend to my conscience, and whether I end up being recognized or ignored, let that stand for itself. If I win a friend, that can always serve me well, and if I make an enemy, I can continue to wish him well. Care enough to listen, without caring so much as to turn into a lackey.
Even after over a decade of constant effort, I can still find this incredibly difficult; the obstacle is not, however, from any lack of fierce willpower but from a lack of calm understanding. It just goes to show how long those noxious habits can cling to us. Falling down is so easy, and standing back up is so hard.
I continue to feel a sting when I am insulted or rejected, and if I cling to that impression, I will invariably tumble into a pit of agitation and resentment. The only remedy I have found is to let that pesky passion be, to stop what I am doing right then and there, to take a deep breath and get my bearings. A moment of contemplation then makes the consternation seem quite ridiculous.
Once again, if I can change it, there is no cause for worry, and if I can’t change it, there is no cause for worry. A deliberate decision to cease casting blame is a step in the right direction, since it removes the illusion of conflict. I will recognize the victory when the composure finally becomes like a second nature.
Among those many unwritten rules, we are expected to fret over pleasing our superiors, though I will rarely hear of anyone questioning what actually makes a man better or worse. Generally speaking, if someone is rich, or can slip you a favor, or might cause you some injury, you are told that you should grovel. I once lost a precious hour of my life trapped in a meeting about choosing the best birthday gift for the provost—it was getting awfully close to promotions season.
By all means, give proper respect wherever it may be due, but first reflect upon your standards of merit, and do not treat fawning and fear as if they were forms of reverence. An anxiety over impressing the boss or placating the bully is a mark of weakness, not of virtue, for we dishonor both ourselves and others whenever we play such crafty games.
Zeno was just an insignificant philosopher, and Antigonus was the mighty king of Macedon, yet the one felt absolutely no need to be esteemed, while the other was always worried about winning further approval. How odd that the people who make the most noise in this world will so often possess the least confidence in themselves! If only they had a greater trust in their own convictions, they would not be so moved by the opinions of their fellows.
As much as I may prefer to be liked, it is not within my power to determine anyone else’s judgments. Let me carefully attend to my conscience, and whether I end up being recognized or ignored, let that stand for itself. If I win a friend, that can always serve me well, and if I make an enemy, I can continue to wish him well. Care enough to listen, without caring so much as to turn into a lackey.
Even after over a decade of constant effort, I can still find this incredibly difficult; the obstacle is not, however, from any lack of fierce willpower but from a lack of calm understanding. It just goes to show how long those noxious habits can cling to us. Falling down is so easy, and standing back up is so hard.
I continue to feel a sting when I am insulted or rejected, and if I cling to that impression, I will invariably tumble into a pit of agitation and resentment. The only remedy I have found is to let that pesky passion be, to stop what I am doing right then and there, to take a deep breath and get my bearings. A moment of contemplation then makes the consternation seem quite ridiculous.
Once again, if I can change it, there is no cause for worry, and if I can’t change it, there is no cause for worry. A deliberate decision to cease casting blame is a step in the right direction, since it removes the illusion of conflict. I will recognize the victory when the composure finally becomes like a second nature.
—Reflection written in 8/2001
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