Seneca, Moral Letters 19.9

"What," you say, "do not kindnesses establish friendships?" 

 

They do, if one has had the privilege of choosing those who are to receive them, and if they are placed judiciously, instead of being scattered broadcast.

 

Therefore, while you are beginning to call your mind your own, meantime apply this maxim of the wise: consider that it is more important who receives a thing, than what it is he receives. Farewell. 

—from Seneca, Moral Letters 19

Whenever I find myself in pain and distress because I have loved, I must remember that love itself is never to blame, but rather a misguided thinking behind my commitment.

 

Why have I bound myself to the life of another? I often do so for the wrong reasons, hoping more to receive than to give. To whom have I offered my trust? I often devote myself to the wrong people, cooperating more with vice than with virtue. 

 

Love is more than a feeling of affection—love is a choice. The truth of the awareness inspiring that love will determine whether it becomes a blessing or a curse. 

 

I must freely offer my good will to all, for we share in a common nature and a common end, and yet the act of genuine friendship is a deeper and more sacred promise, where two persons become as one, and the good of the other is directly interchangeable with the good of the self. I may broadly speak of those who provide convenience or pleasure as friends, when I should rightly consider perfect friendship to be an unconditional guarantee. 

 

Such an intimate association should never be taken lightly, and so the wise man will pick his friends with great discrimination. To those who are accustomed to acting without sober judgment, this may come across as snobbish and aloof, though it actually reflects a profound sense of personal responsibility. Will we be helping one another to become better, or will we be tempting one another to become worse? 

 

I have failed in this by surrounding myself with people of much wit and charm, but very little character and conviction. I did a lasting harm by falling in love with a woman whose ambitions were sadly divorced from a conscience. As easy as it might be to find fault with what others do, they will live as they think is best. More difficult, though also far more fulfilling, is the acceptance that the fault is in my own estimation, and a willingness to improve by seeking out companions of quality. 

 

Look before you leap. Give less consideration to the worldly standards of utility and gratification, and pay greater heed to the inner calling of human nature, which points us to a unity of moral purpose, whatever else our differences might be. 

 

Birds of a feather will flock together. Be willing to join with a friend completely, as long as that friendship is informed by a mutual appreciation of meaning and value. When you are trying to do the right thing, there can be no real alliance with someone trying to do the self-serving thing.

—Reflection written in 8/2012