Seneca, Moral Letters 19.8

This saying of Maecenas's might have squared my account with you; but I feel sure, knowing you, that you will get out an injunction against me, and that you will be unwilling to accept payment of my debt in such crude and debased currency. 

 

However that may be, I shall draw on the account of Epicurus. He says: "You must reflect carefully beforehand with whom you are to eat and drink, rather than what you are to eat and drink. For a dinner of meats without the company of a friend is like the life of a lion or a wolf."

This privilege will not be yours unless you withdraw from the world; otherwise, you will have as guests only those whom your slave-secretary sorts out from the throng of callers. 

It is, however, a mistake to select your friend in the reception hall or to test him at the dinner table. The most serious misfortune for a busy man who is overwhelmed by his possessions is, that he believes men to be his friends when he himself is not a friend to them, and that he deems his favors to be effective in winning friends, although, in the case of certain men, the more they owe, the more they hate. 

A trifling debt makes a man your debtor; a large one makes him an enemy. 

—from Seneca, Moral Letters 19

On my first exposure to the Nicomachean Ethics, way back when I was still a young pup in high school, I was extremely grateful for Aristotle’s explanation of how a virtuous act is not simply a matter of blindly or formulaically doing a deed, but rather doing so with the right intentions, under the right conditions, to the right degree, at the right time, in the right place . . . and with the right people. 

 

I think of the retirement Seneca has been describing as a subtle discernment about our relationships, instead of a rash withdrawal from our relationships. Every action requires the direction of prudence, which goes far beyond a grasp of noble theory to a management of messy details. 

 

Even though the company I keep doesn’t make me the man I am, it most certainly reflects the sort of man I have decided to be. Friends must be chosen wisely, carefully, and slowly. I meet with my doom if I am working with broad and hasty brushstrokes. 

 

Whether it be at work or at play, the companions will set the context, and will color all else that follows. If I am treating others as mere opportunities for my gratification, or trying to please others to win their affection and approval, I will have surrendered my capacity to love without conditions. 

 

Once again, I find myself in bondage to the whims of circumstance, constantly anxious about what everyone else if thinking, saying, and doing. 

 

Why should I call someone a friend if I only want to exploit him? Why should I call someone a friend if I only want to impress him? In either case, it ends in a bitter resentment, since no one likes a user, and no one likes a flatterer. 

 

There is no sense at all in expecting to receive respect while being unwilling to grant respect. As the stakes get higher, the hatred will just become greater. 

 

I can never gain friends by engaging in mind games. Sit down for a cozy dinner with the select few you truly know you can trust, and the select few you truly know can also trust you. 

—Reflection written in 8/2012