Seneca, Moral Letters 9.10

Nevertheless, though the sage may love his friends dearly, often comparing them with himself, and putting them ahead of himself, yet all the good will be limited to his own being, and he will speak the words which were spoken by the very Stilpo whom Epicurus criticizes in his letter. 

 

For Stilpo, after his country was captured and his children and his wife lost, as he emerged from the general desolation alone and yet happy, spoke as follows to Demetrius, called Sacker of Cities because of the destruction he brought upon them, in answer to the question whether he had lost anything: "I have all my goods with me!"

 

There is a brave and stout-hearted man for you! The enemy conquered, but Stilpo conquered his conqueror. 

 

"I have lost nothing!" Aye, he forced Demetrius to wonder whether he himself had conquered after all. 

 

"My goods are all with me!" In other words, he deemed nothing that might be taken from him to be a good.

 

Perhaps Seneca and Stilpo will disagree on whether we should develop actual affection for our friends, and yet they can still agree that true happiness first requires being in possession of ourselves, such that we always look to our own actions over how we are acted upon. 

 

Nevertheless, when Seneca here praises Stilpo’s resilience and bravery, it may seem too cold and uncaring for our sensibilities. Is it not terribly selfish for Stilpo only to care about himself, and to give no concern to his lost family and friends? What sort of cold person can just shrug off such misfortune, as if the outside world didn’t matter at all? Why is there only a stubborn indignance, and not a shred of mourning?

 

I can’t speak for Stilpo’s mindset, but I am fairly certain that Seneca would have deeply felt his losses, and that he would never have approached such matters with heartlessness. I would say this of most any Stoic I have read, because I see in so many of their reflections that they did not reject their feelings. 

 

What makes the Stoics different, rather, is that they consider their feelings within a broader context, and always ask how they can be transformed, through their judgments, into more profound goods for the soul. The trick is always about feeling with Nature, not against Nature. 

 

I have regularly found that a great danger is in letting myself be swept away by my passions, instead of taking charge of them. If I am in sorrow, what is it that I am really in mourning for? 

 

If I am grieving over how I no longer have friends to do things for me, or provide me with company, or grant me their love and respect, it is little different than when I complain about losing the conveniences of money or property. That sort of lamenting can turn out to be the most selfish of all, a concern only for what is received. 

 

If, on the other hand, I am grieving over how I no longer have anyone to whom I can offer my love, I can then ask myself what to make of those emotions, and what to do with them. Was my time with them any less worthy because it has now passed? While I still live, do I not retain the power to give of myself in different ways? I am now faced with new opportunities to live well. 

 

Let me be careful that I not become heartless and selfish by thinking only of the credits, and not of the debits. 

 

No, I do not need to think that words like Stilpo’s are insensitive, since he understood, as Seneca also did, that the good he had within himself could not be taken away, and so his very happiness could not be taken away. 

 

I would only add that I should also wish something for those I have loved, however far from me they now may be: I hope that they too have found their own inner peace, and that I was of some small assistance, and never a burden, in their doing so. 

Written in 5/2012

IMAGE: Demetrius I of Macedon, called Poliocretes, "The Besieger". A story has it that he felt pity on Stilpo, and offered him compensation after destroying Megara. It is said that Stilpo refused it.