"We
dislike gladiators," says Cicero, "if they are eager to save their
lives by any means whatever: but we look favorably upon them if they are openly
reckless of them." You may be sure that the same thing occurs with us: we
often die because we are afraid of death.
Fortune,
which regards our lives as a show in the arena for her own enjoyment, says,
"Why should I spare you, base and cowardly creature that you are? you will
be pierced and hacked with all the more wounds because you know not how to
offer your throat to the knife. Whereas you, who receive the stroke without
drawing away your neck or putting up your hands to stop it, shall both live
longer and die more quickly."
He
who fears death will never act as becomes a living man, but he who knows that
this fate was laid upon him as soon as he was conceived will live according to
it, and by this strength of mind will gain this further advantage, that nothing
can befall him unexpectedly.
Even as I
have a power over my own judgments, my very life had to be given to me, and it
will most certainly be taken away. It too, in this sense, is on loan, and it is
not for me to decide when it will come and when it will go.
Keeping in
mind that the duration of my existence is temporary, I can now treat it like
any of the other things I have borrowed, here for a certain time, and due to be
returned at a moment’s notice. Just as I should not be clinging to money, or to
pleasures, or to fame, I should not insist on clinging to my life.
This seems
quite contrary to our usual assumption, that the instinct for survival is our
most basic drive. A Stoic model, however, looking more deeply into human
nature, suggests that it is not living alone that is good, but living well. The
issue is not about the quantity of our time, but the quality of what we do with
our time.
This is why
the brave man thinks first of the dignity of his actions, and cares far less
about the duration of his years. He is more afraid of falling into wickedness
than succumbing to death. He understands where his true worth lies.
All those
things I think are somehow good in themselves are not good in themselves, but
they rather become good for me when informed by virtue. I may prefer them one
way or another, but I do not at all need them to be one way or another. This
includes not only the amount of my property, or the degree of my reputation,
but also the length of my very life.
I am the
steward of all that comes my way, never the proprietor. I always remind myself
that this is not a limitation, but a liberation. I can now commit myself to
what is mine, the dignity of my own thoughts and actions, while I still have
them available to me.
Fortune has
an uncanny way of hitting back whenever we try to fight her. She is quite
likely to make it harder for us when we want it to be easier, and she will give
us less when we stubbornly demand more. This isn’t because the Universe is some
chaotic mess, or due to Nature being vindictive. It is a wonderful, and
frustrating, way of putting us back on track.
“None of
this is who you are. Look back within yourself, and rediscover what you were
made for.”
I am not a
violent man, and I have never found any satisfaction in blood sports. Yet what
Cicero says isn’t just about gladiators fighting in the ring, but about all of
us.
I don’t save
my life by merely preserving it. I save my life by spending it in the best way,
in doing what my conscience informs me to be right. I am going to die, one way
or another, and the only remaining concern is whether I go about doing it standing
up, willing to take the blows, or on my knees, begging for another chance.
I don’t need
another chance; the first one was perfectly good to begin with, and I have now
wasted it by surrendering and demanding to go again. There is a contradiction
here: I’m ready to be a good man, but I’m not yet ready enough to actually be
one.
I will only
fear death when I expect that life must still give me something else. If, on
the other hand, I look only to what I am able to give, death will not be so
frightful.
Once I
expect to immediately give everything back, whenever it is necessary, I will
not fret over anything coming to an end. It’s what goes in between the
beginnings and endings that makes the difference.
Written in 11/2011
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