Now friendship in the case of men corresponds to desirability in the case of things. You would not, I fancy, love a good man if he were rich any more than if he were poor, nor would you love a strong and muscular person more than one who was slender and of delicate constitution.
Accordingly, neither will you seek or love a good thing that is mirthful and tranquil more than one that is full of perplexity and toil.Or, if you do this, you will, in the case of two equally good men, care more for him who is neat and well-groomed than for him who is dirty and unkempt.
You would next go so far as to care more for a good man who is sound in all his limbs and without blemish, than for one who is weak or purblind; and gradually your fastidiousness would reach such a point that, of two equally just and prudent men, you would choose him who has long curling hair!
Whenever the virtue in each one is equal, the inequality in their other attributes is not apparent. For all other things are not parts, but merely accessories. Would any man judge his children so unfairly as to care more for a healthy son than for one who was sickly, or for a tall child of unusual stature more than for one who was short or of middling height? Wild beasts show no favoritism among their offspring; they lie down in order to suckle all alike; birds make fair distribution of their food.
Ulysses hastens back to the rocks of his Ithaca as eagerly as Agamemnon speeds to the kingly walls of Mycenae. For no man loves his native land because it is great; he loves it because it is his own.
Accordingly, neither will you seek or love a good thing that is mirthful and tranquil more than one that is full of perplexity and toil.Or, if you do this, you will, in the case of two equally good men, care more for him who is neat and well-groomed than for him who is dirty and unkempt.
You would next go so far as to care more for a good man who is sound in all his limbs and without blemish, than for one who is weak or purblind; and gradually your fastidiousness would reach such a point that, of two equally just and prudent men, you would choose him who has long curling hair!
Whenever the virtue in each one is equal, the inequality in their other attributes is not apparent. For all other things are not parts, but merely accessories. Would any man judge his children so unfairly as to care more for a healthy son than for one who was sickly, or for a tall child of unusual stature more than for one who was short or of middling height? Wild beasts show no favoritism among their offspring; they lie down in order to suckle all alike; birds make fair distribution of their food.
Ulysses hastens back to the rocks of his Ithaca as eagerly as Agamemnon speeds to the kingly walls of Mycenae. For no man loves his native land because it is great; he loves it because it is his own.
And what is the purpose of all this? That you may know that virtue regards all her works in the same light, as if they were her children, showing equal kindness to all, and still deeper kindness to those which encounter hardships; for even parents lean with more affection towards those of their offspring for whom they feel pity. Virtue, too, does not necessarily love more deeply those of her works which she beholds in trouble and under heavy burdens, but, like good parents, she gives them more of her fostering care.
—from Seneca, Moral Letters 66
As Seneca asks Lucilius to consider how he judges the merits of others, I’m afraid I can’t help but wonder how many of my acquaintances would hardly feel any guilt from his lesson. Beyond some half-hearted lip service to the contrary, wealth, good looks, and the nebulous “sense of humor” are the qualities we most admire. If you don’t believe me, just watch a half hour of primetime television, or briefly observe the pecking order in any office or schoolyard.
I need not feel bitter, so let me take Seneca’s challenge to heart. If I don’t like it, it is completely within my power to do differently, and if I complain that it’s too difficult, I’m sadly confusing conviction with convenience. I have failed myself when I “move on” from friends who have ceased to be gratifying.
No, it is far more than merely saying, “He’s a nice fellow, even though his breath stinks,” or “She’s sweet, despite the fact that she doesn’t buy me presents.” This just ends up being a calculating act of balancing pleasant and unpleasant traits, when the true test of friendship is a commitment to moral excellence. Once I have recognized why real beauty is in the heart and in the mind, I will no longer be so diverted by the accidents, since they will pale in significance to a desire for the good within another’s soul.
Virtue is to be loved without condition, and my only concern about my friends should involve helping them to become greater in understanding and in love. Seneca’s example of Ulysses and Agamemnon makes me think of how a proper love of “home” does not prefer a mansion to a hut, as long as it strengthens the bonds of character.
Just as committed parents find it ridiculous to be asked which of their children is the favorite, so those who strive to increase in integrity will no longer distinguish between the utility of one friend over another. We all find ourselves in different places, facing unique struggles, and yet there can be no comparison of value when it comes to that which is priceless, to which nothing greater can be added.
Though opportunistic people will leave you when the going gets tough, because you no longer fit their cost-benefit analysis, true friends will offer you all the more, because their good and your good are perceived as one and the same. Do not think the true friend somehow loves you more during hardship, for he loves without degrees. Rather, it is through his total love that he keeps a watchful eye out for your particular needs.
As Seneca asks Lucilius to consider how he judges the merits of others, I’m afraid I can’t help but wonder how many of my acquaintances would hardly feel any guilt from his lesson. Beyond some half-hearted lip service to the contrary, wealth, good looks, and the nebulous “sense of humor” are the qualities we most admire. If you don’t believe me, just watch a half hour of primetime television, or briefly observe the pecking order in any office or schoolyard.
I need not feel bitter, so let me take Seneca’s challenge to heart. If I don’t like it, it is completely within my power to do differently, and if I complain that it’s too difficult, I’m sadly confusing conviction with convenience. I have failed myself when I “move on” from friends who have ceased to be gratifying.
No, it is far more than merely saying, “He’s a nice fellow, even though his breath stinks,” or “She’s sweet, despite the fact that she doesn’t buy me presents.” This just ends up being a calculating act of balancing pleasant and unpleasant traits, when the true test of friendship is a commitment to moral excellence. Once I have recognized why real beauty is in the heart and in the mind, I will no longer be so diverted by the accidents, since they will pale in significance to a desire for the good within another’s soul.
Virtue is to be loved without condition, and my only concern about my friends should involve helping them to become greater in understanding and in love. Seneca’s example of Ulysses and Agamemnon makes me think of how a proper love of “home” does not prefer a mansion to a hut, as long as it strengthens the bonds of character.
Just as committed parents find it ridiculous to be asked which of their children is the favorite, so those who strive to increase in integrity will no longer distinguish between the utility of one friend over another. We all find ourselves in different places, facing unique struggles, and yet there can be no comparison of value when it comes to that which is priceless, to which nothing greater can be added.
Though opportunistic people will leave you when the going gets tough, because you no longer fit their cost-benefit analysis, true friends will offer you all the more, because their good and your good are perceived as one and the same. Do not think the true friend somehow loves you more during hardship, for he loves without degrees. Rather, it is through his total love that he keeps a watchful eye out for your particular needs.
—Reflection written in 7/2013
IMAGE: Jacques Blanchard, Allegory of Charity (c. 1637)
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