Seneca, Moral Letters 29.1

Letter 29: On the critical condition of Marcellinus 

 

You have been inquiring about our friend Marcellinus and you desire to know how he is getting along. He seldom comes to see me, for no other reason than that he is afraid to hear the truth, and at present he is removed from any danger of hearing it; for one must not talk to a man unless he is willing to listen. 

 

That is why it is often doubted whether Diogenes and the other Cynics, who employed an undiscriminating freedom of speech and offered advice to any who came in their way, ought to have pursued such a plan. For what if one should chide the deaf or those who are speechless from birth or by illness? 

—from Seneca, Moral Letters 29 

 

Whenever I have tried to avoid someone, I have always had a reason for doing so. Now it may well not have been a good reason, perhaps grounded in resentment or shame, but it was a reason nonetheless, and being vigorously pursued by another has never made me any more amenable to whatever he is trying to prove. 

 

I do exclude those silly times when I was playing coy to gain more attention, though that reflects a deeper problem with my own integrity. No, if you are asked to scram, it is a prudent to leave a fellow his space. 

 

Any conversation requires the free participation of both parties, and hence talking at someone should not be mistaken for talking with someone. 

 

When I first started doing some work in social services, I observed all sorts of attempts at trying to make someone change, yet far too many of them devolved from friendly advice into thoughtless bullying. 

 

The practice of an “intervention” was all the rage at the time, sadly employed in such a heavy-handed way that everyone just stubbornly dug in their heels, and a state of trust was often replaced with a bitter sense of betrayal. 

 

I find that a careful estimation and appreciation of a neighbor’s temperament is critical for offering encouragement instead of discouragement. There is a right time, and a right place, and a right manner of choosing the most suitable words. 

 

People have an instinct about when they are being cornered or played, and we can’t blame them for running away when that little red light goes off in their heads. 

 

Marcellinus sounds very much like a man who isn’t ready. Seneca would be doing him no favors by herding him into a corner and scolding him like a disobedient puppy. 

 

I admit that I do wonder how effective the blunt methods of the old Cynics really were, and if the gentler Seneca is offering a more compelling path. I find Diogenes terribly uplifting, and amusing, because I happen to agree with him, but his shenanigans would likely drive me into a rage if were not already sympathetic. 

 

This is exactly why I have been struggling to give up my snarkier qualities. 

 

Wait for the proper moment, when the person you seek to help has come to a point where he is most willing to listen. 

—Reflection written in 11/2012