"For what will the most violent man do to you, if you continue to be of a kind disposition towards him, and if, as opportunity offers, you gently admonish him and calmly correct his errors at the very time when he is trying to do you harm, saying, 'Not so, my child: we are constituted by nature for something else: I shall certainly not be injured, but you are injuring yourself, my child.'
"And show him with gentle tact and by general principles that this is so, and that even bees do not do as he does, nor any animals which are formed by nature to be gregarious.
"And you must do this neither with any double meaning nor in the way of reproach, but affectionately and without any rancor in your soul; and not as if you were lecturing him, nor yet that any bystander may admire, but either when he is alone, and if others are present, without drawing attention."
--Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 11 (tr Long)
Just over a decade ago, one of my college professors offered an observation that seriously changed my thinking. He asked us what it meant to be a good person. The answers, as in any college classroom, were all over the place, some blunt and unclear, others almost baroque in their complexity. When I became a teacher myself only a few years later, I had to learn how to listen to such responses critically, but also respectfully. That is not always an easy task.
His own suggestion was that we assume that the 'good' person is a 'nice' person, and by 'nice' we too often mean someone who does things the way we would like them, someone who is convenient to us for our wants.
Instead, he argued, the Classical model offered that the good person was, first and foremost, virtuous. This meant always showing a concern and respect for the dignity of others, but ultimately doing what was right, regardless of whether it was popular or easy.
I consider that to be how Marcus Aurelius defines having a good disposition. I understand this to mean, quite simply, always acting with love for others. I try to not to confuse love, or genuine kindness, with merely seeking favor. I know that a well-disposed man is one who will never act with anger, impatience, or malice. He seeks what is good for his neighbor, and he does so with an open mind and a big heart.
This principle can only meet with success if it is followed without any ambiguity or deception, Each and every one of us knows those people who can speak with great eloquence about character, and appear to act with great charity, but in the end, they are trying only to be 'nice', not to be truly good. They are trying to play us. The hypocrite comes nowhere close to being a good man. He simply puts on a mask.
I have seen the players in politics, in business, in law, and in academia. I have both laughed and squirmed, been amused and enraged, when I see goodness confused with the thirst for power and influence. Yet I must be very careful. I myself will not have a good disposition if I allow my disapproval to control me. I must practice charity and patience.
I must treat others as I too would wish to be treated. I don't like to be lectured, threatened, or talked down to. I don't like to be manipulated or coerced. Why should I act toward another in this way? That's more about pleasing my own resentment that helping someone.
I can use reason with firmness but also with kindness, I can offer a good example without any desire for display, and I can just have the decency to listen, and to show another person that he is loved, regardless of how he thinks, or what he has done.
Each and every day, I see people trying to make their way through the world by engaging in conflict and strife. The best way, really the only way, to face such an affront to Nature is not being that way myself. Once I lie to the liars, bully the bullies, or play the players, I've sold myself. I've become what I despise. I will only be hurt by a bad man if I myself become bad in reply.
Written in 11/2002
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