Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 4.12

Do not have such an opinion of things as he has who does you wrong, or such as he wishes you to have, but look at them as they are in truth.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 4 (tr Long)

One of the many comforting things about becoming familiar with Stoicism was that I never had to seek the approval of a narrow and trendy social group. I didn’t have to join a club, pay any dues or tithes, or pledge allegiance to any particular dogma, and I certainly had no need to prove myself to anyone but myself, and, ultimately, to what Nature herself asked of me.

Yet I would be quite mistaken to think that Stoicism should simply make a better hermit of me, because self-reliance is hardly about separation or isolation. Learning to rule myself should surely help me to live well with others, to guide me in that essential social aspect of my nature.

As we all know, this isn’t always so easy, especially when I am faced with the opposition of others. Yet as with all things Stoic, I can turn this around, and transform the perception of a burden into the reality of an opportunity.

I find that one of the biggest dangers I face is becoming just like the things I hate. When I see malice, I am tempted to be malicious myself. When I face ignorance, I might simply want to close my own mind. When I have been played, I begin to scheme about my own clever games. When I have been hurt, I itch to cause hurt right back.

It is precisely when I begin to feel this way that I can adjust my estimation. I do not need to think or to act like the person who has done me wrong, and if I do indeed think and act as he does, I will have surrendered to him. I have then accepted that his way was right by following his example.

Instead, I can do something right in the face of something wrong. I can meet hatred with love. By doing so I am the most sociable of creatures, because I am sharing something good from within myself.

When someone insults me, or wishes to do me harm, why am I judging myself by his standards? Why do I engage in bickering, instead of communication? Why do I degrade, instead of uplift? Why do I insist on what is different, instead of finding what is shared? Why do I destroy, instead of trying to understand?

I might feel angry about a wrong, and I then might start obsessing about why I was treated that way. I need have no worry about any of that, because who I am is never determined by what someone else might propose.

I should be concerned about what is right in itself, and not about how others tell me I am wrong. I should love truth, and not whatever someone else happens to think. I should dedicate myself to the improvement of my own actions, and leave the actions of others where they are.  When I define myself by those who might oppose me, I define myself by something quite outside of my power.

Written in 7/2005