Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 3.4

Do not waste the remainder of your life in thoughts about others, when you do not refer your thoughts to some object of common utility. For you lose the opportunity of doing something else when you have such thoughts as these: what is such a person doing, and why, and what is he saying, and what is he thinking of, and what is he contriving, and whatever else of the kind makes us wander away from the observation of our own ruling power.

We ought then to check in the series of our thoughts everything that is without a purpose and useless, but most of all the over-curious feeling and the malignant. A man should use himself to think of those things only about which if one should suddenly ask, “What have you now in your thoughts?” with perfect openness you might immediately answer, “This or that”, so that from your words it should be plain that everything in you is simple and benevolent, and such as befits a social animal, and one that cares not for thoughts about pleasure or sensual enjoyments at all, nor has any rivalry or envy and suspicion, or anything else for which you would blush if you should say that you had it in your mind.

For the man who is such and no longer delays being among the number of the best, is like a priest and minister of the gods, using too the deity which is planted within him, which makes the man uncontaminated by pleasure, unharmed by any pain, untouched by any insult, feeling no wrong, a fighter in the noblest fight, one who cannot be overpowered by any passion, dyed deep with justice, accepting with all his soul everything that happens and is assigned to him as his portion; and not often, nor yet without great necessity and for the general interest, imagining what another says, or does, or thinks.

For it is only what belongs to himself that he makes the matter for his activity, and he constantly thinks of that which is allotted to himself out of the sum total of things, and he makes his own acts fair, and he is persuaded that his own portion is good.

For the lot that is assigned to each man is carried along with him and carries him along with it. He remembers also that every rational animal is his kinsman, and that to care for all men is according to man's nature, and a man should hold on to the opinion not of all, but of those only who confessedly live according to Nature.

But as to those who do not live so, he always bears in mind what kind of men they are both at home and away from home, both by night and by day, and what they are, and with what men they live an impure life. Accordingly, he does not value at all the praise that comes from such men, since they are not even satisfied with themselves.

—Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 3 (tr Long)

I have no idea how I survived it, but I once spent a good four years of my life obsessed daily with what someone else was doing and thinking.

I wanted to blame and accuse for what I thought was wrong, but I had to accept that I only needed to hold a mirror to myself. I should never condemn someone else for what I did. I began to see that people would be as they are, and I can do little about it. I will also be as I am, and I can do everything about it.

I had done exactly what Marcus Aurelius warned me against. I thought too much about the thinking of others, and I had paid absolutely no attention to my own thinking. Too much concern for what was outside of me made me neglect what was inside of me. It was a surrender of self-rule.

If I am to honestly examine myself, I see that it is my mind that is most fully my own, and that it is through the disciplined ordering of my own judgments that I can be my own master. All of my impressions, instincts, or passions may tug at me in this or that direction, and may ask me to run away with them, but it is my own estimation and choice that can harness all of those forces toward a life that is decent and worthy.

I suppose I have always known this in some sense, but I have clearly not always been living it. I think of how much time and effort I dedicated to the service of my body, my pleasure, my property, or my position, and how little time and effort I dedicated to cultivating my reason. I don’t mean merely the exercise of academic learning, which I perhaps did a bit too much of, but the daily practice of directed contemplation and orderly reflection on the priorities of living.

By all means, I should nourish and exercise the body to keep it healthy, but I should always dedicate my attention first and foremost to the good habits of my thinking. Everything else will depend upon this.

I have never really been able to develop any radical or clever methods for contemplation or meditation, but whenever I have been successful at this, I need to take my time and calm my nerves. I can certainly be doing something menial or relaxing at the same time, but my mind needs to untangle itself.

Now finding that interior peace and quiet will often meet with immediate opposition. Feelings and images will flash about and tempt me to distraction. I do know people who have built up the strength to swiftly nudge aside their passions when they are doing their thinking, and I admire them for it, but I have not yet managed to reach that stage. Instead I do something a little different. I catch hold of the feeling or image, and I gently pin it down.

I now look at it from different angles, and consider its different aspects. Though I may have been troubled by something that at first seemed frightening or harmful about it, I now deliberately look for something that is comforting or helpful about it. Instead of reacting to how much something may hurt, I try to calmly contemplate how much that same impression can be a tool for making myself better.

If I manage not to let myself be swept away through all this, I can arrive at a wonderful state of balance, where the pieces can fit together, and where I can discern just a glimmer of the power of my own judgment within the order of Providence. The exercise of my thinking can move beyond how something feels to what it means, and how it can provide purpose.

What I choose to think about will make a great difference to whether I am at peace or in conflict. My mind is often full of clutter, and it is often preoccupied with petty or shameful things. I need to follow the advice of Aurelius, and regularly ask myself whether the content of my thoughts is worthy of a man trying to be good. Like a muscle in the body, the practice of thought and choice becomes ever so much easier with regular practice.

As Aristotle suggested, habit is key, and I can become a good man by starting to do good things. Thoughts will perhaps seem to pop in and out of my awareness, but I do need to remember that I am ultimately the only one who decides what I will think about, and how I will think. What I allow my mind to be filled with will determine the merit of my living.

By reflecting seriously on how anything can be a means for wisdom and virtue, I can charge myself with a commitment to always rule my passions, but never to let them rule me. I can embrace that my life will be as fair and as just as I myself make it. I can find fulfillment in the simple act of loving my neighbor, because he and I are the same in nature.

Just as I must order my thoughts from within, I must also order what sort of people I choose to influence me from without. I cannot remove greed or malice from my own living if I am also seeking the recognition and approval of those who are themselves greedy or malicious. I am surely called to care for everyone, but I should never allow my own thinking to be inspired by just anyone. 

Written in 10/2004