“Life gives you pleasure; and why not your father?”
Do you think that Admetus did not love his own child when he was little? That he was not in agony when the child had a fever? That he did not often say, "I wish I had the fever instead of the child?" Then when the test came and was near, see what words they utter.
Were not Eteocles and Polynices from the same mother and from the same father? Were they not brought up together, had they not lived together, drunk together, slept together, and often kissed one another? So that, if any man, I think, had seen them, he would have ridiculed the philosophers for the paradoxes which they utter about friendship. But when a quarrel rose between them about the royal power, as between dogs about a bit of meat, see what they say.
Polynices: Where will you take your station before the towers?
Eteocles: Why do you ask me this?
Polynices: I place myself opposite and try to kill you!
Eteocles: I also wish to do the same!
Such are the wishes that they utter. . . .
—Epictetus, Discourses 2.22, tr Long
History and myth are full of examples of those who were willing to sell friendship for their own narrow gain. These can serve as healthy warnings in our own lives, where it is so easy to ‘love’ another when they are convenient to us, and dispose of them when they are no longer so. We are seeing instances where we mistakenly think that the increase of our own good requires a decrease in the good of another.
Apollo, in return for the favor of hospitality, had granted Admetus, King of Pherae, the right to live many years beyond his normal lifespan. The gift, however, came with a price, as do so many such gifts. Admetus would have to find someone else to take his place when Death came calling for him.
I am reminded of the tragic story of Bhishma in Hindu lore, whom the Gods granted the power to choose the time of his own death.
Admetus asked his own father, Pheres, the very man who had raised him, to take his place. Admetus insists on his own continued survival at the expense of his father, and Pheres insists on his own continued survival at the expense of his son. Thereby, the proper bond of family and friendship is broken. Each opposed the good of the self with the good of the other.
Polynices and Eteolces were the sons of King Oedipus. Having learned nothing from the vanity and pride of their father, who sought to outwit Fate for his own greed, these brothers could not agree on how to rule the kingdom upon his death. They killed each other in the battle to control Thebes. Each opposed the good of the self with the good of the other.
We might think that our own daily lives are hardly the same, but they usually differ only in being slightly less epic in their scale.
A friend and I were once very angry at one another, and in a heated argument he asked why I was being so hateful. Now I loved this fellow, but out of simple vindictiveness, thinking that the satisfaction of my anger was greater than love, I said that there was not a drop of hate in me, only complete indifference. Both of us walked away far poorer people, and I was never able to recover his trust.
What comes around goes around. Someone once expressed undying love and friendship to me, whatever the circumstances. One day, I discovered a deception and a betrayal. To this day, decades later, she will still pass me on the street and look the other way, and I can hardly throw stones.
When another has hurt me, and I respond with resentment, friendship has not just been violated once, but twice. We compound the hurt. As soon as I add conditions to love, I am now the one guilty of betraying love. I have opposed the good of the self with the good of the other.
Written on 2/2002
Image: Hermann Kern, "Good Friends" (1904)
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