Struggling with Circumstances 1

"It is circumstances which show what men are. Therefore when a difficulty falls upon you, remember that God, like a trainer of wrestlers, has matched you with a rough young man.

" ''For what purpose?' you may say, Why, that you may become an Olympic conqueror; but it is not accomplished without sweat. In my opinion no man has had a more profitable difficulty than you have had, if you choose to make use of it as an athlete would deal with a young antagonist.

"We are now sending a scout to Rome; but no man sends a cowardly scout, who, if he only hears a noise and sees a shadow anywhere, comes running back in terror and reports that the enemy is close at hand.

"So now if you should come and tell us, 'fearful is the state of affairs at Rome, terrible is death, terrible is exile; terrible is calumny; terrible is poverty; fly, my friends; the enemy is near', we shall answer, 'Begone, prophesy for yourself; we have committed only one fault, that we sent such a scout.' " . . .

Epictetus, Discourses 1.24 (tr Long)

I have often confused courage with aggression. While the latter is the exercise of brute strength, the former is the exercise of conviction.

I have never been the sort of person who is physically brave. I'm actually rather physically pathetic. In my early teenage years, my uncle, an accomplished mountaineer, dragged me on a two week tour of the Austrian Alps. We lived off of the land, climbed peak after peak, and for most of the time we were never below the tree line. It was one of the most wonderful and exhilarating moments of my life.

By the end, he took me up a mountain that was fairly easy for the first few hours, but had a stretch at the end that required some clever free climbing. I did my best, but made the horrible mistake of looking down. I saw 500 meters of empty space below me. I panicked.

Here was a moment, and it is a moment I will never forget. I had my fingers and toes glued to the rock, but my will seemed to give out. For a brief second, I wanted to let go and fall, because the terror was so great. My state of horror and panic was that severe.

And out of nowhere, with no other inspiration or encouragement, I told myself that I was able. I looked up. I made the last few grabs, and before I knew it, I was at the peak at one of the most beautiful places on God's Earth.

Going down was easier.

Courage is never about toughness or physical strength. Do not be deceived. The least of us, in body and mind, can practice fortitude, because it is nothing more than about how we think.

As a child I always worried about the bullies, and whenever they challenged me, whether I could 'take' them.

The courage I learned wasn't about winning the fight by defeating the aggressor. It was always about defeating myself. A few times I was the physical victor, mainly because I had more to lose. Usually, I found myself in the dirt, with a bloody nose, coupled with the ridicule of my peers.

None of that mattered, and it still doesn't matter. Fear is in myself, and as powerful as the feeling may be, I can work with it, and through it.  I do not deny or repress the feelings. I learn to use them to my advantage, as a means to make myself better. I can choose to accept the challenge that Nature has given me, and I will only lose the battle if I betray myself. I win when I have acted rightly, whatever the consequence.

Difficulty indeed causes pain, and it breeds uncertainty. As long as I am certain in my convictions, those feelings are hardly wasted.

Written in 7/2005

Image: Dorothea Lange, Migrant Mother (1936)