Seneca, Moral Letters 25.1

Letter 25: On reformation 

 

With regard to these two friends of ours, we must proceed along different lines; the faults of the one are to be corrected, the other's are to be crushed out. I shall take every liberty; for I do not love this one if I am unwilling to hurt his feelings. 

 

"What," you say, "do you expect to keep a forty-year-old ward under your tutelage? Consider his age, how hardened it now is, and past handling! Such a man cannot be reshaped; only young minds are molded." 

 

I do not know whether I shall make progress; but I should prefer to lack success rather than to lack faith. You need not despair of curing sick men even when the disease is chronic, if only you hold out against excess and force them to do and submit to many things against their will. 

 

As regards our other friend, I am not sufficiently confident, either, except for the fact that he still has sense of shame enough to blush for his sins. This modesty should be fostered; so long as it endures in his soul, there is some room for hope. But as for this veteran of yours, I think we should deal more carefully with him, that he may not become desperate about himself.

 

There is no better time to approach him than now, when he has an interval of rest and seems like one who has corrected his faults. Others have been cheated by this interval of virtue on his part, but he does not cheat me. I feel sure that these faults will return, as it were, with compound interest, for just now, I am certain, they are in abeyance but not absent. I shall devote some time to the matter, and try to see whether or not something can be done. 

—from Seneca, Moral Letters 25

 

I regularly hear people expressing a pessimism on the possibility of reformation, often presented in the form of sayings like “You can’t change him!” or even “People never change!” The assumption is then that there’s no use in making any effort, since we are all stuck in our ways. 

 

There is some truth to this, in the sense that a transformation of character can never be forced from the outside, though it sadly neglects the fact that it is also quite possible to offer support and encouragement for conscious self-improvement.

 

While I should never underestimate the force of habit or the power of stubbornness, I should also not forget that our own free judgments make the final call, and how often kind words or simple examples have helped me to transform myself into a very different sort of person. 

 

It isn’t that people can’t change, it’s that people won’t change unless they discover a good reason to take the plunge. Furthermore, while I am struggling in vain if I wish to think and act for someone else, I can always serve as an opportunity for him to better think and act for himself. 

 

That subtle virtue of prudence, which requires the adaptation of lofty principles to grubby practices, will call for different remedies in different circumstances. Sometimes a gentle touch will be most effective, and sometimes it is time to bring out the big guns. 

 

I have benefited immensely from both the slight nudges as well as the swift kicks in the rear, so I have come to appreciate how a true friend will not abandon you, and why genuine concern does not walk away from the chance to assist, even when it must be in the form of a tough love. The temporary unpleasantness of a bruised ego can give way to a heartfelt gratitude. 

 

Yes, habits can be awfully hard to break, especially when they are deeply entrenched by years and years of repetition, but that only demands a richer commitment instead of a docile surrender; where the resistance is greater, we are called to an increase of zeal. I have found that if it doesn’t hurt a bit, or even more than a bit, I’m probably not doing it right. 

 

While it is more a matter of likelihood than it is of necessity, the younger soul tends to be more flexible, as the older soul is more often bullheaded. The goal of opening the mind and quickening the heart will be the same, yet the latter will be carrying far more baggage than the former, and may also have become more bitter about life and more clever at putting on an act. 

 

The two friends Seneca and Lucilius are discussing stand at different points in their journeys, and whereas the one may still possess an innocent sense of propriety, and the other must do more to battle his inner demons, both deserve to be sustained by compassion and concern. 

 

Delicately cultivate a sensitivity over here, vigorously draw the line over there. Just as the doctor employs varying treatments to fit the patient’s symptoms, so the philosopher works with the strengths and weaknesses in another’s dispositions. 

 

People do change, and people do cooperate in becoming wiser and more virtuous, though the process isn’t always as easy or as pretty as we might prefer. 

—Reflection written in 10/2012