Would you rather be poor and sated, or rich and hungry? Prosperity is not only greedy, but it also lies exposed to the greed of others. And as long as nothing satisfies you, you yourself cannot satisfy others.
When I’m feeling sorry for myself, I am tempted to say that I never had all that much to begin with, and yet I know quite well that I am only laying down another smokescreen. Distinguish.
Though I have regularly struggled with paying the bills, the statistics put me comfortably in the middle class. Though I often feel completely clueless, I somehow managed to be in the tiny percentage of Americans to earn a Doctorate. Though I tend to think of myself as unlovable, the constant sacrifices by my parents, the steady commitment of a wife, and the undying affection of the children tell me otherwise.
Where is the source of that restlessness and anxiety? Would a house twice as big make the pain go away? Would another fancy degree improve my state of mind? Maybe a mistress, or perhaps a whole harem? It sounds silly when I say it that way, and yet too many of us succumb to precisely such nightmarish fantasies.
And it is all because we are trying to fill an emptiness on the inside with things from the outside. It is all because we are dissatisfied with being ourselves, and so lust after being someone else. And it is all because we believe we must become bigger instead of kinder.
A private life does not require an isolation from others, though it does require no longer showing off to others. There is no need to prove my importance to anyone else, since the proof is in the living, not in the seeming. As I throw away the crutch of being accepted by the crowd, I am finally walking on my own two feet.
I may finally ask myself, “Where have you been all my life?”
Perhaps it feels like I suddenly have less of that proverbial “stuff”? Good. It was never about that. I now look deeply into a very few things, and love them without condition, instead of hoarding a countless number of objects I pass over too quickly, using them and then tossing them aside.
“But the more I profit out of the world, the more I can give to others!” That statement is completely ass-backwards. The business of life starts with the debits, not with the credits.
First, I am staring myself straight in the eye, and I know that I am deceiving myself. Please stop it with that.
Second, if giving myself to others is genuinely what matters to me, then I will be pleased as punch to limit myself to just myself.
Is there a healthy longing of concern? Check. Is there a vital urge for compassion? Check. Whatever else the rest of the world is messing about with, what I am now doing is exactly what Providence intended for me to do.
That's something I'm still trying to learn too, especially as a mother. For lack of a better way of expressing it, I'm "big" to the welfare of my own soul,children, my husband, my family. I'm "small" to the rest of the world; even if I were a wildly successful well known author or public figure, reaching thousands, I would only affect a tiny part of the life of those people. Focusing and prioritizing the "small" of my family, where my actions mean a lot, rather than the "big" of writing or a form of public life.It all has to come from that core.
ReplyDeleteIn other news, I think the last time I was on here was pre-pandemic insanity. Hope you and yours have weathered it ok and that you're all doing well.