Seneca, Moral Letters 13.4

The first of these three faults may be postponed for the present, because the subject is under discussion and the case is still in court, so to speak. 

 

That which I should call trifling, you will maintain to be most serious; for of course I know that some men laugh while being flogged, and that others wince at a box on the ear. 

 

We shall consider later whether these evils derive their power from their own strength, or from our own weakness.

 

Seneca passes over a closer discussion of exaggerated suffering, and I suspect that he does so because we will all have to come to terms with it in our own distinct ways. Yes, there will always be such a thing as making too much of something, and yet where the line must be drawn has much to do with our particular dispositions, experiences, and habits. 

 

Much how Aristotle observed that the mean of virtue is universally the same for everyone, while its application is accidental to our relative circumstances, the degrees of pain, fear, or loss that we are willing or able to bear will depend upon the ways in which our attitudes have been shaped. Where you stand at this moment will not necessarily be where I stand at this moment, and no personality will be magically modified in an instant. 

 

“I don’t know why you’re crying! I’ve gone through much worse, and you don’t see me breaking down!” 

 

Now I can’t imagine that words like that have ever achieved anything, beyond feelings of discouragement and shame. We all have to bear our crosses differently. Wherever we find weakness, it is best to be lifting up instead of beating down.

 

This hardly excuses me from working to become braver and stronger, but it does require me to treat both myself and others with a realistic respect. Neither Rome nor the Stoic was built in a day. 

 

My family has a long tradition of watching professional soccer games together, and beyond defending our various tribal loyalties, one of our favorite pastimes involves bemoaning the constant flopping among the players. The only problem, however, is that with so much exaggerated agony, it’s quite hard to tell if there has actually been a serious injury. It might look much the same from the outside, even as it could feel very different on the inside. 

 

In real life, the lesson might be that I should be giving the benefit of the doubt. I have learned, for example, that thresholds for pain, and how we express such pain, can vary wildly. It it best to help instead of hinder, and to understand that, whether the threat is too strong or the will is too weak, the formation of character is the only remedy. 

Written in 6/2012