Now if you used this word of ours in the popular sense and called him "friend" in the same way in which we speak of all candidates for election as "honorable gentlemen," and as we greet all men whom we meet casually, if their names slip us for the moment, with the salutation "my dear sir"—so be it.
But if you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means. Indeed, I would have you discuss everything with a friend; but first of all, discuss the man himself. When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment.
Now it may seem harmless to use terms a bit more broadly or loosely, perhaps on the grounds that we are giving others the benefit of the doubt, or because we are inspiring them to hopefully become what we expect of them.
I knew a stubborn fellow in Texas, who once went to dispute a minor traffic violation, and yet got himself a further contempt of court charge. He apparently only addressed the judge as “Mister” and was told to address him as “Your Honor”. The defendant was happy to explain that the judge lived down the street from him, so he knew the comings and goings at his home.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t call any man honorable who has another woman sleep over whenever his wife is visiting her sister in Dallas.”
It may not have helped his legal situation, but at least he had the rough integrity to call them as he saw them.
The danger is that when we call someone by a certain title in a sloppy way, we then also easily lose sight of the true meaning behind that title, and so we can become confused and lazy about our moral worth. The appearance then sadly takes precedence over the reality.
If I do wish to take the time to be polite, however, let me be certain not to get my own thinking tied up in knots. The situation becomes all the more critical when it concerns labeling people as our friends; so much is at stake where the giving of ourselves to others is concerned.
A friend is more than just an acquaintance, or a colleague, or even someone whose company I enjoy. These others are people who might be useful to me, and to whom I should be useful, but they do not rise to the level of becoming a second self.
If the bond still depends on what is given or taken, instead of on the person for his own sake, then the relationship is contingent and fortuitous. Trust is not yet absolute.
Winning trust will take time, and it will require shared hardships as well as shared pleasures. I should have been very thoughtful in picking my friends, especially the ones to whom I surrendered the most, and the fact that I failed to do so was of my own doing. Seneca wishes for Lucilius not to make the same mistakes.
If I want to share my life with genuine friends, I will have to make my decisions very carefully, and yet once I have made such difficult decisions, and I have offered my total dedication, I must give of myself without reservation. Be very conservative in making a promise, and very liberal in keeping it.
Love is a total guarantee, with no asterisks or footnotes. If I offer it freely, and then take it back selfishly, I have become one of those fake friends, the ones who receive the benefits while running away from the sacrifices.
But if you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means. Indeed, I would have you discuss everything with a friend; but first of all, discuss the man himself. When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment.
Now it may seem harmless to use terms a bit more broadly or loosely, perhaps on the grounds that we are giving others the benefit of the doubt, or because we are inspiring them to hopefully become what we expect of them.
I knew a stubborn fellow in Texas, who once went to dispute a minor traffic violation, and yet got himself a further contempt of court charge. He apparently only addressed the judge as “Mister” and was told to address him as “Your Honor”. The defendant was happy to explain that the judge lived down the street from him, so he knew the comings and goings at his home.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t call any man honorable who has another woman sleep over whenever his wife is visiting her sister in Dallas.”
It may not have helped his legal situation, but at least he had the rough integrity to call them as he saw them.
The danger is that when we call someone by a certain title in a sloppy way, we then also easily lose sight of the true meaning behind that title, and so we can become confused and lazy about our moral worth. The appearance then sadly takes precedence over the reality.
If I do wish to take the time to be polite, however, let me be certain not to get my own thinking tied up in knots. The situation becomes all the more critical when it concerns labeling people as our friends; so much is at stake where the giving of ourselves to others is concerned.
A friend is more than just an acquaintance, or a colleague, or even someone whose company I enjoy. These others are people who might be useful to me, and to whom I should be useful, but they do not rise to the level of becoming a second self.
If the bond still depends on what is given or taken, instead of on the person for his own sake, then the relationship is contingent and fortuitous. Trust is not yet absolute.
Winning trust will take time, and it will require shared hardships as well as shared pleasures. I should have been very thoughtful in picking my friends, especially the ones to whom I surrendered the most, and the fact that I failed to do so was of my own doing. Seneca wishes for Lucilius not to make the same mistakes.
If I want to share my life with genuine friends, I will have to make my decisions very carefully, and yet once I have made such difficult decisions, and I have offered my total dedication, I must give of myself without reservation. Be very conservative in making a promise, and very liberal in keeping it.
Love is a total guarantee, with no asterisks or footnotes. If I offer it freely, and then take it back selfishly, I have become one of those fake friends, the ones who receive the benefits while running away from the sacrifices.
Written in 2/2012
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