If, then, by good fortune while still young, one had taken pains to get right instruction, and had mastered thoroughly all those lessons which are considered good, as well as their practical application, such a man in old age using these inner resources would live according to Nature, and he would bear without complaint the loss of the pleasures of youth, nor would he fret at the weakness of his body, and he would not be irked even when slighted by his neighbors or neglected by his relatives and friends, since he would have a good antidote for all these things in his own mind, namely his past training.
Did I have the benefit of right instruction when I was younger? Yes, but only from a very few places, and I far too often ignored it in pursuit of far louder voices telling me to embrace vanities like lust or fame. Appearances seemed flashier than the real content; recreation took precedence over formation. Those missteps remain my greatest mistakes, though they can now serve me as an opportunity to reexamine what I had once neglected.
Close family told me one thing, and yet most of the rest of the world, including my teachers and my peers, told me something very different. It didn’t help that the fashions of the time seemed more appealing, at least on the surface, and so I would grumble about the idea that what was inside of me came before the outside trappings. Quite honestly, I also didn’t see the necessary connection between self-discipline and genuine freedom.
Should I have been surprised, then, when I ended up following leaders concerned with their own glory, or trying to impress friends who changed their tunes at a moment’s notice, or seeking approval and affection from people quite incapable of compassion? It is easy to blame them, of course, but they would be who they would be; the responsibility was entirely my own.
If, as was inevitable, I met with failure in following the world, I nevertheless continued to assume that the external rewards would still somehow come, but they would surely come later. I would be happy when I found the perfect career, or stumbled across decent company, or won the heart of that girl who could care for me unconditionally.
I shouldn’t assume that such circumstances can’t come my way, though I should hardly rely upon them. The mistake was thinking that certain things would make me content, rather than understanding that my own attitude is what could make things, of any sort at all, occasions for peace of mind. All the stress was on the receiving instead of on the giving.
Pain cripples me when I demand to be given only pleasure. Illness troubles me most when I insist on perfect health. Solitude bears down on me so heavily when I require the adulation of a crowd.
The remedy for getting older and weaker is the same as the remedy for any hardship at all, to cultivate a thoughtful and loving soul. It helps us greatly to learn this from very early on in life, long before we might think we need it. There is a great danger in learning it too late.
Written in 4/2000
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