Seneca, On Peace of Mind 15.6

In one's own misfortunes, also, one ought so to conduct oneself as to bestow upon them just as much sorrow as reason, not as much as custom, requires: for many shed tears in order to show them, and whenever no one is looking at them their eyes are dry, but they think it disgraceful not to weep when everyone does so.

So deeply has this evil of being guided by the opinion of others taken root in us, that even grief, the simplest of all emotions, begins to be counterfeited.

Though they will rarely admit it, many people will express an emotion, whether of joy or of sadness, for the sake of appearances. They can become quite adept at manipulating impressions, to the point where it almost looks sincere.

If I dwell on this in others, however, it will only breed resentment within me, so, as always, it is best for me to work on my own integrity. I should certainly be wary of another’s crocodile tears, yet I should be most concerned about never fabricating any lies of my own.

I do wonder how I should present myself to others, whether I feel elated or despondent, and then I remember that it is more important for me to be good than to seem good. Who I am on the outside should mirror who I am on the inside, and I will only get myself into trouble when the two are at odds with one another.

It can a bit more difficult when it comes to responding to the joy or pain of others, but most especially if they are suffering. I know that I am expected to say all sorts of things, whether or not I actually mean them, and I will then struggle with choosing my words.

What is the best way to say that I am sorry, that I am mourning with you, that I am there for you?

A few simple rules have always been helpful for me:

I should think before I speak, being sure that I am coming from genuine love and understanding. Just winging it won’t do. Better to be completely silent that spout nonsense.

Less is often more. A single gesture from the heart is far greater than many fancy lines copied from a playbook. Instead of writing a flowery eulogy for the crowd, spend a moment of absolute commitment.

Whatever I should say, it should be said in private, where no one else is around to see or to hear, to ensure that it serves one purpose and one purpose only, that of fulfilling my compassion for a friend.

Perhaps most important of all, it will mean nothing if actions do no follow from the words. If necessary, drop the words entirely, and go straight to the actions. A helping hand is far more powerful than the promise of a helping hand.

When I offer comfort, am I just stroking my own ego, or do I really mean it? As we said in the 1980’s, “where’s the beef?”

Moaning, wailing, or wallowing only make matters worse. Fancy speeches are just window dressing. How am I assisting other human beings to strengthen their happiness, instead of only encouraging further pain?

Grief is not a game to be played. Grief does not have to be the end of it all. Grief is deeply painful, but it is still an opportunity to know and to love all the more. Saying that isn’t enough; transforming the suffering into joy is necessary.

No more crocodile tears.

Written in 12/2011