Musonius Rufus, Lectures 13.4

Therefore, those who contemplate marriage ought to have regard neither for family, whether either one is of highborn parents, nor for wealth, whether on either side there are great possessions, nor for physical traits, whether one or the other has beauty.

For neither wealth nor beauty nor high birth is effective in promoting partnership of interest or sympathy, nor again are they significant for producing children.

But as for the body it is enough for marriage that it be healthy, of normal appearance, and capable of hard work, such as would be less exposed to the snares of tempters, better adapted to perform physical labor, and not wanting in strength to beget or to bear children.

If Musonius is right to think of marriage as such a profound commitment, I can’t help but wonder why so many people will still enter into it so lightly. It seems odd when the fashion of the age is all about sexual liberation, and yet the best and brightest still tie the knot, even after they have been playing the field for years and years.

Is it just a blind habit? Is it the appeal of the pomp and circumstance? Is there some assumption that a participation in the whole ritual means that we are finally seen to be taking our lives seriously?

I can only speculate that we feel the need to do the right thing, for all of the wrong reasons. Some people marry because their families expect them to do so, and others marry because it will help them improve their social status, and yet others marry for the sake of money. If the prospect of children is in the picture, which has recently become rarer, it will often only be in the service of these ends.

And yes, some will say they have married for doe-eyed love, while it pains me to see that they have really married for sexual passion. These are usually, and quite sadly, the first to go. The beauty they see is skin deep, and when the bodies grow older, or too familiar, or become tattered and torn, they can’t help but look elsewhere.

If I view my life through the eyes of Nature, as the Stoic tries to do, I will consider marriage as I should consider everything else in life. Will my love for her help her to become a wiser and more decent woman? Will she, in turn, help me to become a more virtuous man? Are we assisting one another in becoming more fully human, or are we using one another as tools for our greed and lust?

A standing family joke has it that I had two early chances at finding a “wife”, and I terribly botched both of them. In both cases, they were from big money, and their connections would have made it very easy for me to make my way up the social ladder. They also both happened to be what most people considered “knockouts”, each in her own way. Whenever I took them out in public, I was an object of envy, a gawky and goofy fellow with a sexy woman on his arm.

What did I want from them? I must hang my head in shame, because I was enamored of the appearance. What could they possibly have wanted from me? I have no idea, but back then I had a knack for coming across as an artistic intellectual.

When, many years later, I did find my better half, she wasn’t rich, and she offered me no opportunities for any professional advancement. I thought her the prettiest girl I had ever met, but she didn’t show off her legs or ask other men to gawk at her cleavage.

She was kind, she was caring, and she stuck with me. She was tough, she was stubborn, and she didn’t put up with my crap. I learned to trust her, without condition, because she had the most beautiful soul I had ever come across.

She decided, for some reason, that I was worth her while. For all of the disagreements we may have, and for all of the obstacles that come our way, there is no question in my mind that I will stand with her to the end.

Social status didn’t do that. Money didn’t do that. Not even sex did that. Love did that, to which all those other things are meant to be subordinate.

Written in 12/1999