Musonius Rufus, Lectures 13.3

But where each looks only to his own interests and neglects the other, or, what is worse, when one is so minded and lives in the same house but fixes his attention elsewhere and is not willing to pull together with his yoke-mate nor to agree, then the union is doomed to disaster and though they live together, yet their common interests fare badly; eventually they separate entirely or they remain together and suffer what is worse than loneliness.

I find it very difficult to discuss marriage with others, since most of the people I know do not understand it as I do. They see an artificial social institution, which may or may not be of use to them, and I see a reflection of Nature, a necessary aspect of what it means to be human. I come across to them either as a religious kook or as a hopeless romantic.

The folks around me tend to follow what I can only call a sort of serial polygamy, where one is exclusive with a partner for a time, but then moves on to someone else when the pleasure or convenience have passed. The exclusivity seems to be less about a commitment, and more about a temporary possessiveness, much like that of children who insist on holding on to that one toy for the moment, until the next one catches the eye.

“I used to love you, but I don’t anymore. Move on, go find someone else!” I suppose it is only from my admittedly odd perspective that such a statement makes little sense. If love, by definition, is unconditional, then measuring another person by conditions means that there was never any real love present to begin with.

Where there is lust rather than love, the treating of another as a means instead of as an end, or a focus on how we can be served over how we can serve, then I’m afraid we can only have a caricature of marriage. For all of the outward appearances, there will still be an inner rot. Many such relationships, if they can even be called that, will fail, not because marriage has let us down, but because we have let one another down.

Sometimes people will sadly drift apart from one another because they neglect what is common, but it is just as tragic when people go through the motions of staying together as they continue to neglect what is common.

I was often quite impressed, even intimidated, by some of the couples I knew, and I wondered how they managed to come across as being so deeply happy. In many cases, however, I got to know them better, and I saw a bit more of their interior lives, and I realized that those who bragged the most were only good at going through the motions.

They nourished an image, and they did not nourish one another. When they thought no one else was looking, they fought like wild beasts, or played spiteful games of manipulation, or, worst of all, had absolutely nothing to say to one another.

I have often felt terribly alone, but I can only imagine the horror of still feeling alone in the presence of someone I have been given every opportunity to love. Finding a mate is hard enough, and maintaining that bond is harder still, and all that toil and effort will only be worthwhile when I recognize the greatness of the reward that comes from absolute sharing.

Written in 12/1999