Musonius Rufus, Lectures 12.7

And yet surely one will not expect men to be less moral than women, nor less capable of disciplining their desires, thereby revealing the stronger in judgment inferior to the weaker, the rulers to the ruled.

In fact, it behooves men to be much better if they expect to be superior to women, for surely if they appear to be less self-controlled they will also be baser characters.

What need is there to say that it is an act of licentiousness and nothing less for a master to have relations with a slave? Everyone knows that.

Given what Musonius has previously said about the relationship between men and women, I suspect his tongue is firmly planted in his cheek. He is calling out all of those who claim to be superior, and yet they somehow end up being quite inferior.

I know of no man who would be happy to have his wife taken by another man. Yet I know of many men who would gladly take another man’s wife.

Now there’s always the one who may be perversely titillated by sharing her with others on his own terms, but he would never permit it without his express approval. If it was beyond his control, he would explode in rage.

As I get to being middle aged, I’m a little taken aback by the odd private proposals my wife and I have started receiving, sometimes from the most respectable of folks.

Do they not realize that they are no longer dealing in affection, or even in lust, but only in power?

It took me many years to recognize it, but sex, on all sides, is not always about love, or even just about pleasure. It sadly becomes a means for dominance, and the satisfaction that comes from having mastery over another.

This is true for women just as much as it is true for men. You will laugh your head off over this, but I spent years being told by the lost love of my life how I was so deeply special, and that I needed to wait to consummate our relationship. I thought I was being noble and virtuous, but I was just being led by the nose.

She would jump in the sack with other men, but then she would sweetly tell me that they didn’t matter at all, that it was all a terrible mistake, and that she was just letting off steam. When she and I were finally together, she insisted, the earth would shake.

Now have you ever heard a bigger load of crap, or ever seen a bigger loser than me? Yet I believed every word of it, since it was all about power. She had the knack, and I was the sucker.

Men abuse that power, and women abuse that power, each in their own way. As with all things in life, sex only works when it is joined to true love. Use it as a means, and you are now nothing but the worst of players. 

Written in 12/1999