Seneca, On Peace of Mind 11.3

"We dislike gladiators," says Cicero, "if they are eager to save their lives by any means whatever: but we look favorably upon them if they are openly reckless of them." You may be sure that the same thing occurs with us: we often die because we are afraid of death.

Fortune, which regards our lives as a show in the arena for her own enjoyment, says, "Why should I spare you, base and cowardly creature that you are? you will be pierced and hacked with all the more wounds because you know not how to offer your throat to the knife. Whereas you, who receive the stroke without drawing away your neck or putting up your hands to stop it, shall both live longer and die more quickly."

He who fears death will never act as becomes a living man, but he who knows that this fate was laid upon him as soon as he was conceived will live according to it, and by this strength of mind will gain this further advantage, that nothing can befall him unexpectedly.

Even as I have a power over my own judgments, my very life had to be given to me, and it will most certainly be taken away. It too, in this sense, is on loan, and it is not for me to decide when it will come and when it will go.

Keeping in mind that the duration of my existence is temporary, I can now treat it like any of the other things I have borrowed, here for a certain time, and due to be returned at a moment’s notice. Just as I should not be clinging to money, or to pleasures, or to fame, I should not insist on clinging to my life.

This seems quite contrary to our usual assumption, that the instinct for survival is our most basic drive. A Stoic model, however, looking more deeply into human nature, suggests that it is not living alone that is good, but living well. The issue is not about the quantity of our time, but the quality of what we do with our time.

This is why the brave man thinks first of the dignity of his actions, and cares far less about the duration of his years. He is more afraid of falling into wickedness than succumbing to death. He understands where his true worth lies.

All those things I think are somehow good in themselves are not good in themselves, but they rather become good for me when informed by virtue. I may prefer them one way or another, but I do not at all need them to be one way or another. This includes not only the amount of my property, or the degree of my reputation, but also the length of my very life.

I am the steward of all that comes my way, never the proprietor. I always remind myself that this is not a limitation, but a liberation. I can now commit myself to what is mine, the dignity of my own thoughts and actions, while I still have them available to me.

Fortune has an uncanny way of hitting back whenever we try to fight her. She is quite likely to make it harder for us when we want it to be easier, and she will give us less when we stubbornly demand more. This isn’t because the Universe is some chaotic mess, or due to Nature being vindictive. It is a wonderful, and frustrating, way of putting us back on track.

“None of this is who you are. Look back within yourself, and rediscover what you were made for.”

I am not a violent man, and I have never found any satisfaction in blood sports. Yet what Cicero says isn’t just about gladiators fighting in the ring, but about all of us.

I don’t save my life by merely preserving it. I save my life by spending it in the best way, in doing what my conscience informs me to be right. I am going to die, one way or another, and the only remaining concern is whether I go about doing it standing up, willing to take the blows, or on my knees, begging for another chance.

I don’t need another chance; the first one was perfectly good to begin with, and I have now wasted it by surrendering and demanding to go again. There is a contradiction here: I’m ready to be a good man, but I’m not yet ready enough to actually be one.

I will only fear death when I expect that life must still give me something else. If, on the other hand, I look only to what I am able to give, death will not be so frightful.

Once I expect to immediately give everything back, whenever it is necessary, I will not fret over anything coming to an end. It’s what goes in between the beginnings and endings that makes the difference.

Written in 11/2011