Seneca, On Peace of Mind 7.3

Yet nothing delights the mind so much as faithful and pleasant friendship: what a blessing it is when there is one whose breast is ready to receive all your secrets with safety, whose knowledge of your actions you fear less than your own conscience, whose conversation removes your anxieties, whose advice assists your plans, whose cheerfulness dispels your gloom, whose very sight delights you!

We should choose for our friends men who are, as far as possible, free from strong desires: for vices are contagious, and pass from a man to his neighbor, and injure those who touch them.

I have found that two closely related values, love and friendship, are very frequently spoken of but far too rarely practiced. Saying “I love you” should not be meant lightly; to call someone a friend is a deep promise and commitment, not just some passing expression of convenience.

Now I might complain and despair that others do it wrong, or I might turn it all around and choose to do it right. My own thoughts and actions are within my power. Where I find abuse, let me correct myself, and let me see what I might improve from the inside out, in however humble a manner.

Being treated like a true friend, having someone who loves you for your own sake and without any further conditions, is one of the greatest of supports and joys in life. We sometimes say that friends will make us happy, though I qualify that slightly by saying that friends will help us to make ourselves happy.

I also remind myself, however, that as much as we may appreciate what friends do for us, we are best served by remembering what we can do for them. They will provide us with comfort, but most importantly they give us the opportunity to offer of our love, to do what is right for them. In this way, friends mutually assist one another to grow in their own character.

For each one, the giving is itself the receiving, looking truly at the other as a second self.

How beautiful it is, and how much the more it should be treasured when it is hard to find.

What will be difficult is not finding people to be around, or even finding people who actually wish to be around us, but finding people who will wish to join with us for the right reasons, and in the right ways. This is why love will be precious.

Some may say all the right things, but their interest is purely mercenary; in case the words seem enticing, the actions will still reveal what lies underneath. Whenever we treat other people as means to an end, rather than as ends in themselves, there is no trust, no friendship, and no love.

False friends will bring us harm, not because they have forced themselves upon us, but because we have freely chosen to allow their vices to enter into our souls. True friends will bring us benefit, not because they provide us with pleasure or power, but because we have been given the gift of sharing in their virtues.

Written in 8/2011