Seneca, On Peace of Mind 7.1

Chapter 7

In all cases one should be careful in one's choice of men, and see whether they are worthy of our bestowing a part of our life upon them, or whether we shall waste our own time and theirs also: for some even consider us to be in their debt because of our services to them.

Athenodorus said that "he would not so much as dine with a man who would not be grateful to him for doing so”; meaning, I imagine, that much less would he go to dinner with those who recompense the services of their friends by their table, and regard courses of dishes as donatives, as if they overate themselves to do honor to others.

Take away from these men their witnesses and spectators: they will take no pleasure in solitary gluttony.

This all sounds like something my mother would have told me: “Know who you are, know what you’re doing, and know who you’re doing it with.” I’m hearing it in German in my head right now.

Ultimately, the only real obstacles I have ever faced were the ones I put in my own way. There was always something good to be found in any circumstance that was ever given to me, but I got myself into trouble when my own thoughts and actions failed to make the right use of those options.

These problems inevitably arose when I made poor judgments about the quality of my own character, about the tasks I chose to take on, and about the friends I decided to surround myself with. Of these, my pursuit of poor company has had the deepest and longest-lasting consequences.

Far too often, the act of trusting and following people with a very different sense of right and wrong than my own would encourage me to doubt my convictions. It becomes easier to stray from a path when you see others doing it ahead of you; what is outside the soul can slowly but surely color what is inside the soul, and you may not even notice it happening.

The temptation, of course, is to think that other people make us good or bad, when that is hardly the case. We make ourselves good or bad, though the environment we place ourselves in will make that much easier or much harder. To borrow a technical term from the Peripatetics, I remain the efficient cause of my judgments, the agent of action, even as my circumstances serve as material causes, the opportunity for action.

It is not that I should hate, or dismiss, or ignore people who live poorly, since I am called to seek what is good for them, just as I am for anyone; yes, I am even called to love them. Rather, I need to consider what sort of relationship I am forming with them, and how this will in turn relate to my own values. Even though I am the one steering the ship, the winds and currents will still be pushing at me from different sides.

Am I helping others if I condone their vices, whether explicitly or implicitly? Am I helping myself if I surround myself with vices? How can I be going in the right direction, if I am in the middle of a herd going in the wrong direction?

Consider the example, as Seneca does, of what the people we call our friends might expect from us. Do they give only when they receive? Are they more interested in what we can do for them than what they can do for us? Will their interest come and go with the degrees of their utility and pleasure?

A selfish heart will reveal itself in its constant need to be praised and compensated, to use others as a means to glorify itself. I think of a loud fellow I know, always wanting to be the center of attention, who will show up at parties with the finest food and drink, and then tells everyone that he was the one who provided them. He cares nothing for the gift, and is only waiting for the thanks.

I am not doing someone like that any favors by spending my time with him; in fact, I am doing him a disservice, because I am feeding his vanity. Let me respect him, by all means, but let me avoid traveling in his circles and living as he lives.

Nor am I doing myself any favors by spending my time with him; in fact, I am doing myself a disservice, because I am surrounding myself with the very things I need to avoid. Let me have a care for his welfare, but let me not care for what he cares about.

Remove a man’s opportunities for vice, and you may well help him choose to be less vicious. Don’t feed the trolls.

Remove a man from your own private affairs, and you may well help yourself to become more virtuous. Don’t blindly follow any herd.

Written in 8/2011